When you visit me in dreams you can be so kind and connected and then cold and mean.

When you visit me in dreams you climb in bed beside me even though you are supposed to be somewhere else and I know it.

When I awake in dreams, you disappear. You run away. You hide. You go back. I look for you in all the familiar places. But I don’t know that I will ever find you. The obstacles are many. The guilt and shame build. I can’t see my old landscape as cities have been built up around it obscuring my horizon.

There was anger. There was blood. There was the door you wouldn’t answer even though I knew you were there.

How can you visit me so clearly in dreams and then disappear? Where do you go? Why do you sleep over to begin with? Pretending I have always only been the better choice until I wake up and you aren’t here.

But you were here. You willed yourself into my dreams. You had something to work out, a point I never let you make before. But why? What for?

The first meow.

So stinking cute!

I stopped for a beer on my way home because it was just that bad of a meeting. But somebody was apparently lonely and hungry.

Henry was at the bottom of the stairs with a few meows which are the first he has done here. Every day this cat makes significant progress.

Just this morning he was comfortable walking room to room with Fergus following instead of hiding under the bed until Fergus went away. Of course, there are hisses and swats to let Fergus know when he has crossed the invisible bubble. But no injuries.

I think these two are going to be friends at some point. Lord knows Fergus is desperate to make this animal like him. How can anyone not like Fergus eventually? I mean really. He’s a pug!

So happy about the meow. I was wondering if he was going to have a voice.

Henry got the courage to leave his cell and found his way into my bed.

Fergus was found eating poop out of the litter box.

I guess it’s no wonder cats are considered the more sophisticated.

Both boys are in my bed. Henry has hissed his boundaries and Fergus is farther away but still staring at him with little sobs.

Don’t push it buddy. I just saw you eat a cat turd and may never be able to unsee that. And, do I need to worry about him getting some weird illness?

I guess a covered box is next.

Huge progress yesterday getting the boys to meet each other. Boundaries were established and quickly read with a hiss or two. I was able to drink my coffee in bed with the cat and dog on the bed at the same time. It’s not love yet. Just respectful awareness.

Had to test the overnight process last night as Fergus and I joined Nana to babysit my nephews.

I came home to find Henry under the bed but he hadn’t over eaten. He observed limits with his automatic feeder. How long can you leave a cat alone for? Just trying to figure out the Cape weekend thing and what about long weekends? This is when being an antisocial introvert doesn’t pay off. I don’t have a list of sitters 😀

Today’s excitement was leaving the bedroom door open all day in case he wanted to explore. He didn’t. Under the bed was his preference. Going forward, I’m not going to keep Fergus out when I am in there.

I at least kept Fergus hated to the downstairs with me for exploration time. Again… didn’t happen. I feel like I have a prisoner.

Maybe it’s something he has to do with me in sight. He’s very good at responding to me and trusting me enough to come out from under the bed once he realizes that’s the way to get pet.

Anyhow, boring day but mostly because Fergus and I napped on and off on the couch all day. The prisoner is welcome to join but seems to prefer his cell digs.

And we found the purr….

I have somehow managed to find a highly affectionate cat who has “claimed” me as his own. Tons of leg runs today and actual snuggling.

He likes his cat bed now that I put it on the real bed. I keep finding him curled up there. Except now, he gets out to snuggle up against me.

His cold seems to have improved. Much less congestion tonight.

He and Fergus looked at each other head on this morning. No hissing or claws. When he decided he was done he just slowly went under the bed. Very uneventful.

Tonight I brought Fergus in on his leash and Henry went under the bed. Fergus was obnoxious. He kept shrieking and wouldn’t sit still or calm down enough for Henry to even be mildly curious about coming out from under the bed. I don’t blame him. I too wanted to go under the bed and put earplugs in. I just have to keep trying until the novelty wears off and Fergus can calm down to the 9 year old dog he normally is.

I think Henry is starting to get curious about seeing what’s outside the guest room. Maybe Sunday we can try adding a little more space.

What a sweet cat. I can’t wait until the 2 boys can peacefully coexist and sleep in the same bed. It will be far more relaxing for me than having to bounce around between them every night. Fergus always wins bedtime because I can’t change that on him. Just hoping for the day Henry might join.

Kitty is still pretty congested but I was able to wipe his nose and get him to take a treat for good behavior.

He was on the bed tonight instead of under. He is also very into affection. Even rolls over and shows his belly for a rub.

I apparently really won him over tonight with a little kitty massage. From that, I got head rubs from him and then he laid down with his head in my lap. When he decided to get up to eat and I went to clean his box, I got the kitty leg rub which I know is a sign of affection and trust.

Not sure when he will be ready for Fergus but I am definitely enjoying the daily thaw. He’s trusting me pretty quickly.

And, I have gotten lots of good kitty litter advice. Good thing as, once again, Fergus and I were sitting on the couch when Fergus turned his head towards the stairs and started sniffing the air. Seconds later, I smelled it too. Time to go up and scoop.

Much more visible today. I have found him on the bed multiple times and he definitely wants affection. We even had some cuddle time tonight. He is doing ok trusting me….even after I did bring Fergus in to look around one time when he was under the bed. Fergus never looked there.

I do feel bad that Henry is a bit congested. He came home that way but they weren’t overly concerned. I was able to wipe his nose a little to see if I could get him used to it. I try to give him treats every time he does what I want but he doesn’t accept them.

I took all the air wick plug ins out just in case those are aggravating him. But I don’t want the house to smell like him so I need to figure something out. Between him and Fergus, this isn’t exactly Beverly Hills at the moment. They both have stinky pee.

Fergus wants to meet him so badly. I feel really awful that I have to spend time with them separately which takes away from Fergus’ time. I look forward to a day when they can both snuggle up and sleep in the same bed with me.

I am also terrified of letting the cat have access to the whole house. Way too many places to lose him and not know where he is. Anyone know how to install a door by the way? I have always kept the cellar door off to make the house feel larger and the basement is finished so it feels like a part of the rest of the house that way. Alas, I fear if Henry went down there I would never see him again. Thinking that’s a good reason to dig out the door and put it back on.

Anyhow, more progress today. After the day I had…. words fail to explain how awful… I needed the cat to have implemented feedback and he did.

Poop. There was poop in the litter box this morning. So he is eating enough.

He stayed under the bed this morning again but this time I put a blanket under there with him. When I got home tonight, I found him snuggled up in it, still under the bed but closer to the outside where he allowed me to pet him. Then he moved back to the middle.

I took a break to feed Fergus and put Fergus to bed. Figured I’d pop in real quick for a goodnight. This time I laid on the floor and stuck my arm under the bed and pet him again. Then I decided to give it a break and just sit up and be present.

Progress, he very slowly came out from under the bed to shit in the litter box in front of me. And, instead of going straight back under the bed, he proceeded to eat and drink. When he was done he walked past me very, very slowly and went into the empty box I left out for him.

I think we took a good step forward tonight.

Trust, little guy…it’s pretty scary. I get it.

So I adopted a cat. I know. I hate cats. They are antisocial. Their piss can stink up an entire house. They claw at furniture and wires. They can hide in odd places and scare the shit out of you. They treat you like staff and don’t do anything you ask of them. If you get any affection, it’s luck.

But I impulsively got it in my head that a cat needed a good home and I do have a good home with plenty of space for a cat. Plus, I have a sweet, older dog who can handle it and would probably like a buddy.

I brought him home yesterday and set up his litter box, bed, water, food, toys and scratching post in the guest room. He immediately went for the closet shelves and suitcases but he let me pet him plenty. I brought him out of the closet and he went under the bed.

When I went back in at bedtime, he was actually on the bed cuddled up in a blanket and he let me sleep next to him for awhile. He had also eaten and peed which is a good sign.

This morning I found him under the bed. When I checked on him later he was in an empty box I put down for him but raced back under the bed. He has spent the entire day under the bed. Doesn’t want to be pet or interact.

Fergus is dying to meet him. He goes to the door every chance he gets. I want them to meet but I know it takes time. Poor cat has no idea what’s happening. I just hope Fergus doesn’t feel replaced. That’s impossible. Fergus is the love of my life but I don’t want him to have one negative feeling. Oh boy, did I do the right thing here?

I just felt so compelled to provide a home. I have a cat right now and don’t know how I feel about it other than knowing he is so much better off today than he was yesterday in a cage waiting to be adopted.

I have read a hundred articles over the weekend telling me how normal this is. I’m just impatient and I hate the idea any animal is suffering from fear or insecurity. Hopefully not both of the ones in my house.

Stay tuned as I chronicle this crazy adventure!

I am very blessed with some recent accolades. I believe other people worthy as much as me. I don’t believe myself unworthy. I killed it this past year and have a little weight gain to prove it.

My boss warned me “haters gonna hate” but I told her I wasn’t counting pats on the back and understand everyone wants what I got…that I have a responsibility to prove why I got it and to be sure I’m not caught celebrating.

People have been incredibly supportive and gracious in my vicinity which further validates the risk I took this time last year to move to a new team with a new boss. I wasn’t the only one they asked. I just happened to be the one who said yes.

This week my boss asked me how it was going…. had I been getting positive reactions from my peers? I told her how great people are being. .. even the ones I know were disappointed it wasn’t them. She then asked me about the old crew. Hadn’t thought about that yet. I guess cos I only heard from one and should have heard from 3 more. I think I was blocking it out.

Last year, when I accepted the role change one peer told me it was all part of a plan to get rid of me. If getting rid of me meant getting me into another job with my company I said I hoped so because I had been trying to do it unsuccessfully, on my own, for 8 years. I didn’t understand the conspiracy I was being warned about and even if true, how could it do anything but benefit me?

So I guess maybe that’s why I haven’t heard from that person. Because their conspiracy was somewhat wrong. They aren’t trying to get rid of me. They are trying to build me up and position me for something amazing. There’s a big difference. And I am betting those 2-3 people not acknowledging me now are wishing they had accepted the offer I did.

I just didn’t want to think about this or that conspiracy again. I am a year removed from having to hear about perceived conspiracies and schemes which simply do not exist. It’s been my best year so far and I won’t apologize for it. I worked my ass off for it. I worked my ass off for several years before it. I just got blown off before because I had morals which didn’t line up with previous leadership.

But I am just a tiny bit sad. 1 out of 3 of those opinions do actually matter to me and I am now faced with wondering where I misstepped in that relationship.