What does your brain do when the guy your with decides he’s open to non-monogamy halfway through seeing you? What does your body image do with that when he decides it after sleeping with you? After insisting relationships be monogamous? And, unbeknownst to you that he was advertising this decision? In violation of your agreement?

Where does your self worth go? Do you have any left? Who are you? What happened to confident, irreplaceable, number one you? How do you ever see yourself that way again?

What about you caused such an offensive change you weren’t worthy of being made aware of?

What do you do with that? You certainly don’t love yourself anymore. You don’t get much sleep. You worry about every morsel you put in your mouth and you start over-scheduling workouts. You have no idea what you mean to anyone in your life anymore, if anything. You don’t even look like yourself anymore. You can’t even picture a time when you might feel whole again.

What is “it” exactly I have?

Ah yes, fuckability. It’s crass and blatant but let’s just lay all the Cards out and call it what it is, no matter how offensive you find it. Imagine how I feel about it when it’s myself I lay bare and describe.

I just went on a date less than 72 hours after finishing with the last guy. I pretty much spent my entire day online yesterday as a mission to create options and see if I could snag someone new. Mission accomplished. Made it clear there were to be no expectations and just casual. Had I wanted to hook up, the option was very much on the table.

But I guess fuckability has never been in question. Even 80 pounds heavier than now, I was still, ultimately, fuckable. The only difference the weight loss made was now they aren’t afraid to be seen in public with me so I get actual dates and meals in public places. Couldn’t get much of anything pre-11 pm in my 20s.

I am so tired of being “admired” and “respected” and “attractive” and “magnetic” and “hot” and “sexy.” What about lovable? Where is that?

“The weekend was about me trying to make myself feel it….”

Seriously? If you aren’t feeling it then don’t take me away for a fuckable weekend and start making future plans. Just tell me over the phone, alas, you tried but only find me fuckable. You would be one of ….hmmmm… all of them.

So I didn’t need to go out tonight and test my fuckability because that is all I have. I feel it every time I walk into a bar, every time I encounter a frustrated husband, on every single first date I have. All I did was hold off crying between 8-10 but the tears hit hard for the 25 minute drive home.

A disturbing, recurring theme is how hard people want to love me but just can’t, not even by “forcing” themselves to go on vacation with me just to see if maybe I was more palatable in a different location with time off from work. Nope. Too hard still.

So I could have gone home with this guy because heading into this date I was determined to feel nothing for Matt. I want complete numbness. He honestly doesn’t deserve my thoughts or tears. It’s not like I wasn’t asking the right questions all along the way. I was, frequently. He simply chose to lie. I don’t know why. I am the most direct person on earth. Tell me the truth and let me make an educated decision whose outcome I am comfortable owning if it doesn’t work. But lying because you are trying so hard? Wow. I must be a repulsive human to have to speak to or kill time with outside a bedroom.

I can smell him. He’s in my home. I even found Fergus poop in the downstairs bathroom that is 2 weeks old because the last time I was here before vacation, Matt was with me and clearly forgot to close that door after himself.

I am still recycling our beer bottles and pizza boxes. Some of my luggage smells like him. And while being pressed up against a wall for a kiss tonight, I wished it had been him. But I don’t even know him. Everything was a lie. I am sad over someone who wasn’t real. And yet, he was closer to being “it” than the last “it” from 20 years ago. Things move at a faster clip in this age range when communication skills and confidence are more habitual.

So we know what I still got. Always had it. It’s what makes men want to try and love me but I don’t “got” whatever it is to make them just love me without having to “try so hard.”

So I guess the question is, what don’t I consistently have? What is so repulsive? What makes me the girl who can only be fucked and nothing more?

I always said if things didn’t work out with the latest guy, I’d write about it but he was off limits for a bit when things started to gel.

It’s done now and I am really sad. But it’s not a sadness over missing him specifically, as a person. I realize now there is something slightly lecherous under there. That’s not a Monday morning quarterback thing. I think I sometimes have a lecherous side as well so it just feels like something I can usually see coming and know how to manage. I manage people for a living. And it’s not that I missed things. I did notice them and called them out along the way but kept being reassured there were no problems and we were on the same page.

He said and did all the right things. Not the traditional stuff a dumb girl would fall (and how Nigerian online scammers actually succeed) for but all the things that appeal to me specifically. I love eating at the bar rather than a table. It’s casual, easy, fun. Easy placement Of hand on arm or knee if the chemistry is there. You can interact with the bartender. Stick to appetizers or tapas which is the volume of food I can handle without lengthy explanation or feeling bad about blowing a 30$ meal on 3 bites. Have beers and chat. Easy out when the time is right or you close the bar if it’s going well. And, he didn’t wait for me to find a seat, which I hate. He was already there and had my seat waiting.

He would text me ahead of time on dates to tell me what he was wearing so I would have a sense of the place and feel comfortable with what I might choose to wear. We had flip flop nights and jumpsuit nights. No chain restaurants. Something different every time. Music in one, really fun local folk bands which is perfect for winding down on a weekend.

Daily texts to check in. Random texts that I was hot and needed to know it. Other random unmentionable texts about how hard he was trying to behave on dates. We even negotiated sex up front in terms of what my conditions were in order for it to happen and then what my conditions were for it to get to the important stuff. I wasn’t compromising on getting a long term relationship and was absolutely willing to hold out if need be. I even told him it was ok if he wasn’t the guy, he didn’t have to be but I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t accepting less. He said he was along for the ride and would see what would happen which is exactly my speed.

I wasn’t looking for an immediate commitment. I needed to go slow on this because he was coming on much stronger constantly telling me how into me he was. But I was super chill about it. When a guy is that up front about his feelings, it makes dating much calmer and easier to enjoy. I didn’t totally believe him but I wasn’t nervous around him at all either which I felt was a good sign. We could talk for hours. We got along incredibly well. Similar intelligence, similar interests, very similar politics and beliefs. In fact, he began re-awakening my interests in yoga, spirituality, Buddhism, meditation..things that kind of hit the back burner for me when I needed to shift my body focus to quick weight loss so all my activities became high impact. But in talking to him, I recognized the need to get back to the more calming nervous system activities I once had in place.

Also, not going to lie. Sex was explosive even at average level. He’s a giver and that’s ridiculously important for me. Judge me for being so open about it but some people look for different qualities as priorities. My love language is physical touch – sex is more important to me in a relationship than it is to some men. Some of that may have to do with having been cheated on in the early dating days. But I also think where I am empath, it’s where I can feel truth vs. deceit most clearly. So I need a lot of it. I need it to be really good and I need some specific stuff a guy needs to really enjoy to be skilled appropriately and able to keep up. We had all of that so we knew if this got serious, there was going to be some really cool stuff to explore. I think he got ahead of himself when he realized the goldmine he fell into. His last relationship failed solely due to a sexual mismatch. Yes, I too would break up with someone if the sex didn’t work.

In our case, I think he wanted me to go there now and he knew other girls not looking for serious relationships would. So suddenly his intentions with me started to change but rather than mention it, he decided to test it by taking me away for a weekend. Something no guy has ever done. I think he thought he’d find his greater “connection” by banging the shit out of me for the weekend and getting me to open the door a little more each time. Sorry dude. You were going to get sex all weekend for sure. But nothing new until we both felt it was the right time to move the relationship forward. I had no expectations we would be doing that, even with the weekend getaway. He had kind of already given me a timeline for how he thinks these things progress which I agreed with. A month or 2 of just seeing what happens (accomplished,) a weekend together to see if we could get along, then a little more time….maybe another month to say “girlfriend.” I actually felt that to be very reasonable so I had no expectations of the weekend getaway other than we would spend full nights together and be together for 2 days instead of one. We had plenty of plans…sex, photography, beach, driving range, bars, tapas, shopping. All things we already got along doing.

But when I said guys will take whatever you will give them, I think I hit some kind of nerve. He wasn’t trying to pressure me but I think he was subconsciously hoping. And even later that day, in bed, we continued to talk about the monogamy thing which he has always been adamant about having in a relationship and I was always the one who said it’s ultimately what I wanted too, but, with marriages failing at the rate they do, I had to tell myself to keep an open mind. I have never said I would be ok with me or my husband fucking around with other people. I’m not into that poly, open marriage stuff. However, because sex is so important, should there come a day when one of us needs something the other absolutely cannot/won’t fulfill and everything else is perfect, I think you have to at least have the conversation of “what if I give you a pass for this one thing?” Totally against it and appalled at me for having this train of thought through multiple conversations. And yet, Friday night, just happened to check our online stuff and he had made an interesting change to “open to non-monogamy.” Got a glimpse from me of some pearly gates but decided he didn’t want to wait on mine.

He also didn’t let me know he had made this decision. Instead, he still checked in with me every day after our weekend and continued to discuss “next times.” Oh, and while on the weekend, after the “men take” conversation, he still took and was talking about September weekend getaways he was planning for us. Even still, I am an empath and over a hundred miles away with only text as a resource, I felt a massive energy shift and knew something was up. He knew I was coming home for the weekend but he hadn’t suggested a plan – this from a see me 3 times a week guy before vacation. I had to text him to tell him I knew something was wrong and that he needed to tell me what. A text response I didn’t get until 8am yesterday morning.

I was not in love. But I was so hopeful on this one because it all just lined up. Even online, we were a 98% match which is unheard of. Healthy things were happening here. Real dates, honest and lengthy conversations about where both our heads were at, flowers, sex, vacation, etc. There honestly was no reason for me not to play along. In fact, every time I felt a concern, I’d check in with friends to talk me down because I know I am naturally paranoid – circa previous dating history. Instead of checking on every empath sensation, I gave space. And he even thanked and appreciated me for giving him space. Duh! I need a shit load of space so I get it. Anyway. I did everything right on this one. I thought I screwed up a little on the drunken gay bar night by overstaying and letting him be hit on but that actually had no impact. Damage was done hours before that when I accidentally called him out without knowing it.

And now he so admires me and respects me. He is so attracted to me but it’s not 100% and we each need our 100% so we have to let each other find that. And he could have stayed with me much longer and done this months from now. Fair. I agree and am glad of it because I really do want the whole deal. It’s just, couldn’t he have just said up front he wanted sex? I would have been able to do that and compartmentalize it without feelings or expectations had I gone into it that way at the start and I would still be benefiting from great sex while dating around for the long term guy. I know, I can be like a dude.

I am definitely embarrassed about believing this guy, at his insistence, when I was trying to slow things down at first. I am embarrassed for believing this guy was going to be a promising relationship. I am embarrassed for letting myself believe in the potential, for letting a few friends in on the idea something might work out for me after they have spent 25 years picking me up after every disappointment. And I never let my parents know I am seeing anyone because I don’t want to suffer any defeat in front of them. But I was at their house when the weekend trip came about and had to explain why I’d be missing a couple days as well as ask for Fergus sitting. So now I have to tell them this failed and that’s a real ball breaker for me. I told him I didn’t like doing that. But he insisted on the birthday weekend and booked the place before we could talk through all that. And my fucking birthday. He knew up front how upsetting my birthday is, all the let downs and bad memories. So he chose to fucking tattoo a now very bad memory on my birthday. Can’t wait for next year’s beach reflection on that one.

So I am not going to have trouble “getting over” him at all. That’s not the sadness happening. It’s that all my other relationships that didn’t work out had rottenness from the start so it was easy to comprehend and I didn’t feel like a fool. This had none of that crap. This looked like what other people get and it just took me longer to get there but here I finally was. I guess even guys over 40 still don’t have their shit together and play games. And, I have lost my “hope” and shiny dating optimism. MY “get back up and in the ring.” This outcome I didn’t see coming and I’m supposed to see everything coming. That’s the only way I know to survive.

The End of Matt.

Updating as there were 2 important questions asked this summers:

A couple weeks ago I asked the question about if guys only date strong women like me as a challenge…to break them. The answer, unequivocally, is yes.

A few weeks before that I was asked if I was happy. The answer is no. I was. But now I am not.

I was raped 23 years ago. I don’t even recall all the details anymore. Your mind can do really interstellar things to twist and squeeze out what cannot be fully absorbed.

I learned back then a guy can take anything from you he wants. Your strength, your feminism, your intelligence, your upbringing bear no armor if he wants to take something from you. You can do nothing to prevent it.

Once it happens and you learn what you can no longer keep to yourself maybe you do what I do and focus on whatever parts of intimacy you can hold back in future relationships.

For instance, you can meet a guy in a bar you know has no long term potential and you can fuck him knowing that. So it’s simple, fun, drunk, no orgasm sex because you are only dispensing that much.

It’s the same with friends with benefits. You know the outcome so you know you can hold back on the super intimate stuff you would save for someone you love.

Enter a guy with relationship potential. This is where you can let go just a little more and discover average day sex is actually pretty great. So you know that if the relationship progresses and trust is built, you’ve held back on all the best stuff you are still saving because you can. Because when sex is taken from you, you can at least reclaim it someday in your dirty, sexy, kinky ways….whatever they may be.

The kicker is it’s all you have left to offer so you aren’t just going to offer it up because he wants you to and your chemistry is well matched and you know if you stick together, you’ll eventually start letting down the wall for him. But not just yet. You need certain assurances and he’s not there yet so neither are you and it’s ok. Just leaves a lot to look forward to.

My latest relationship start didn’t work out because I said “men will take whatever they want or whatever you will give them.” Meaning, I don’t know any guy who will turn down you wanting to experiment with something By saying “wait, I haven’t committed to the relationship you are looking for yet.” They’ll just let you do it. They don’t stop to ask if you are getting what you want on your side. They just figure you are in the mood to give it so they’ll take it.

And that’s why my latest relationship attempt has failed. Because of the way I negotiate sex after being raped by trying to make something “special” whether it be sex shops, anal, voyeurism, tantric…you name it. I am curious about a lot of it and willing to do a lot of it but only with someone I love who is equally committed to me and I can trust. I didn’t have that yet. I was working on it and had every expectation it would fill in at some point.

I know it’s crass to talk about these things but it’s real. It’s raw. It’s what killed last weekend and hung in the air all week like rotting onion. It’s not that he was pressuring me for those things. He was ok waiting on the good stuff and looking forward to it. More than once he would comment on how much he knew I was holding back.

Well, when you’re raped you bargain with whatever little you can scrounge together and hope for the best. He didn’t like the truth of hearing “guys will take anything you give them” because he probably would have taken it all from anyone less self assured and capable of compartmentalizing what she wants.

The irony of all this is, my rape is still taking away from me.

Taking this one from Chris Cornell. It’s probably my favorite of his and it has a great message.

I also take the phrase from friends who tell me this all the time….particularly when it comes to dating and the massive anxiety it stirs up in me. Honestly, not sure why I try dating… I feel happier and more stable when I’m not because at least I know how my days begin and end. Also, take into consideration I am on vacation and only have time to dwell. Normally, I’m too busy to feel of focus for more than 5 minutes at a time.

So being myself I have accomplished a couple awful things on vacation. One of my closest friends is not speaking to me. My fault, not at all his.

heading into last weekend I was being lusted after to the point a last minute weekend getaway got planned for my birthday. Pretty great. We survived rain, no a/c and a Murphy Bed.

But I am not sure we survived what came after that in a heavy alcohol binge that was unplanned. Good things happened and bad things happened. I am learning that I have been alone for so long that I don’t know how to consider another person’s feelings before my own just yet. I mean, several days of ruminating and not drinking at all has let it sink in so that I now know how to keep it from happening again. But a week of polite, arm’s length conversations could just be work struggles or it might be more.

I am supposed to come from a place of optimism and belief in this one but I don’t have a good history of being forgiven one slight and allowed to atone and move forward.

Being myself seems to not work very well and puts me in situations where I set up camp in shame. Or I convince myself I am overreacting when maybe I am not.

The longer I do polite, the bigger the space grows and do I cut and run because it’s still early enough? And is he thinking the same thing which is why this week we have only discussed beaches, golf and sharks in very quick conversation?

Maybe it’s time to consider being someone else.

Thank goodness so many song titles exist which I can borrow for blog titles. Thank you, U2, for delivering today.

Imagine you have been in your current home 10 years or so. When you get up in the middle of the night you don’t need to turn the lights on to get to the bathroom. You know every step, turn and doorway sometimes by the gliding of your hand down the wall until you find a door. Sometimes you don’t need to touch anything at all. You know where the toilet is, the toilet paper too. You can find the soap and faucet as well without ever turning on a light. Sometimes you can do it all without even waking up your dog.

That’s what being single is like.

Imagine a new room with someone else in it. It takes you 10 minutes to just try and slide your way out of bed to stay unnoticed because his arm is around you. Then, In The dark, you have to use your fingers along the bed, somewhat crouched down to find your way around it. You don’t remember what is on the floor or where. You don’t know what to avoid in order not to stub a toe. You worry you might knock something over or trip. And that’s all just trying to get out of the bedroom. You’ve still got to navigate a bathroom you don’t know and you, ambitiously, want to do it all without waking him up. He’s probably awake anyway and just staying quiet to humor you. But that means he probably did hear you fart or know you were gone long enough for it to be a number 2. And then everything you thought about each other a week ago is different. Maybe it’s different in innocent, livable ways. Maybe it’s much bigger than you know and it has changed everything. Regardless, you still have to maneuver your way back into bed and wait for sunlight, the opening of his eyes on you and not knowing at all what he is thinking.

That’s dating.

Which is better? They are both dark rooms full of obstacles and potential broken toes I guess. But when the light of day finally rises and illuminates your face, what do you see? How do you feel? What can you live with? Who is he? Who are you?

Jason Isbell does a great song on this topic on his latest album.

I have had a mother of an anxiety attack over the past few days which makes no sense. I am on a 2 week vacation. Life has been pretty good. I am seeing a great guy who I went away with for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. I mean, seriously, no reason for anxiety.

But I guess that’s what is is so complex about it. It can come anytime sparked by anything. While doing errands on Thursday there was a very loud bang sound I hadn’t anticipated. I jumped a mile at that even though no one around me moved.

In order to go away for the weekend and get dog care, I had to tell my parents I am seeing someone which actually stresses me out a lot. If it doesn’t work out, I have to explain that and I never like having to explain that. It’s embarrassing.

I worried all weekend he and I would run into awkward moments or silences but we didn’t. We get along well and genuinely like being around each other. We even survived a room with no a/c, a Murphy bed and a day of rain. We are still trying to process our wasted night of debauchery in a gay bar with friends. I just got excited to run into a good old friend and assumed we would meet up for a drink. But I didn’t think about if he wanted to do that. He was being so great and sociable that I overstayed and overdrank. He spent the night dodging dudes. The next morning he told me he could actually understand what women must go through in bars and why I felt so safe this one night that I got out of hand. The hangover, checkout and obligatory breakfast felt very off and I blame myself for it 100%

So, as great as it was to get a weekend away, I feel like it’s a test to see if he is going for the next stretch or not. Admittedly, he has explained that before knowing if he can be in a committed relationship we at least have to spend a weekend together and some other stuff. He is still talking in terms of next times but I also know he is having drinks with an ex this week. Nothing I wouldn’t do. In fact, I did it 3 weeks ago. And for everything she has over me, I have one thing over her which he wants more than anything so I am not threatened by that.

Then, I am only $500 away from maxing out my credit card with no immediate means of being able to pay it off. I need to have that card on the ready because many times my bills are more than my pAy for certain periods of time. If I don’t have a “bridge” I am screwed. Will I ever get promoted, for the love of god? Plus,dog food budget quadrupled overnight. And Fergus daily looks like he needs to go to the expensive fear free vet.

Anyway, this is just a random stream of consciousness of thoughts which keep replaying in my head that I can’t shut off. Oh, and then there is the domestic disturbance happening next door to my parents which my father keeps getting pulled into and it’s escalating.. including me now receiving unusual attention from the guy next door who might have been hitting on me the other night. Both my mother and dating person think it.

Lost my ATM card while drunk this weekend which feels like a walk of shame having to admit and report it. All because I was probably just paying a meal tab and left it there which is a major fear.

My head just won’t stop. It’s on repeat. Did you pass the test or is he going to bail? Is your neighbor going to try to get you to hang out with him? after all, he waits in the bushes for my dad to come home. Am I an alcoholic because though I don’t drink a lot, I can’t stop when i do? Is he judging me on that or the fact he was practically assaulted because I threw him into the center of pride week? Are my parents looking for an update? Where’s my ATM card? Did I push a friend too far recently because he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday and he never misses it? What have I done? Why do I ruin everything?

yesterday morning I had to call in for an emergency prescription. My heart rate has been elevated over 24 hours, asthma was starting to kick in and my thoughts had devoured my body. Eating was strained if even possible. Even my date was noticing that with concern this weekend.

I had to literally knock myself out yesterday. And having to tell my parents rather than just being alone in my own home caused me even more anxiety. I used their pharmacist and when she saw my name she became incredibly kind. She asked if I was having an attack right then and I started to cry. She told me a way to take it to get it in my blood stream faster and offered to sit with me if I wanted to take one right there. She said “I know your family.”

So for the most part, my heart has slowed down and I think my thoughts are moving more slowly. I went to the driving range this morning and am at the beach right now. But I will probably have to take anxiety meds until I go back to work.

And my life isn’t even bad right now. How crazy is that? I hear one loud noise compounded by trying to make a space for falling in love and it becomes a medical emergency. This is what PTSD looks like for me.

Tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of John’s death. I sit on my back porch enjoying some Lucero on shuffle and a beer. My parents’ air conditioning is broken in a good way meaning it’s over cooling the house on a 90 degree day but it’s an icebox. I need to stay outside as long as I can.

Sitting out here, I wonder what it was that pushed John over the limit this night 3 years ago. What made him die? Was it the pill he wanted so bad? A girl he was trying to impress? A pain so embedded he didn’t understand the consequences? He didn’t know it was a pain he would stop forever for himself and leave the rest of us with. I know with everything I am he didn’t intend to die. He just didn’t know how to live. He had fits and starts but couldn’t make it stick yet.

White collar. Good Irish Catholic family. Devoted to family. Polite, caring with a very awkward humor that made you feel bad for him sometimes which made it funnier. Somehow reduced to wiping out his well earned retirement account and selling his tv for powder. Who introduced him to this exit? I have some ideas. Damn you for that. He was too trusting, too vulnerable. He couldn’t handle that stuff at that point in his life.

I thought after this amount of time there would be days when I wouldn’t think about him. That hasn’t happened yet. He still shows up in my dreams and I am so terribly sad to wake up when he is there. It’s like getting time back and then he dies again every time I wake up. As well as I can articulate my feelings, I don’t have the words for the hole in my soul for him.

I was reminded of him the other night when I was with a snorer….a very dangerous, sleep apnea type of snorer. I remembered the nights I sat up in bed listening to him stop breathing in his sleep and wishing I had forced him to see a doctor. I feel like something wasn’t right with his heart and that his OD might not have happened had I shaken him awake more than once and forced the issue. It’s a secret I live with as very few people, if any, know the intimacies we shared towards the end of his life. He was clinging to me and I failed him.

I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife but I believe he is around me a lot. Despite my having failed him, I swear he follows me to the Cape every weekend. Every Saturday morning I loom out the bathroom window just like I did when I found out he died and decided to take a shower rather than let my parents in on my pain. I saw a cardinal at that moment and I see them every weekend at the Cape. His visiting in dreams, that’s intentional. He is trying to communicate, to check in. He’s been a guiding presence in the many things I have done over the past 3 years to improve my health, mentally and physically, to guard against the type of vulnerability he became susceptible to. At that time, I wasn’t too far from it myself and he was the only one who knew.

So this time 3 years ago, he was still breathing. He was a living, feeling thing. He was someone we all thought we would see again. He was a dear friend whose friendship would have been even stronger if he were still here. There’s no sense to made of his absence. He was the best kind of person. He was rare. He is not found inside the people around us, generally. Completely irreplaceable. All the loved ones thinking of him tonight and what made him lose it. All of us wondering where we took a misstep or looked the other way at the wrong time. All of us who think our loved ones know enough how much they are loved when maybe they don’t. Maybe they don’t know they have something to live for and we keep it a secret.

Since John died, I have made it a point to tell people how I feel even if it’s uncomfortable, raw or delicate. In fact, it’s other people doing that for me who have kept me alive….something none of us could give to him. So, yeah, I think he’s up there making that happen. I think he’s putting these people on my path at the right time because he knows. And to honor him, I honor truth. I live life in full. I love big. Because I loved him something bigger than myself.

Peace, JC…you are never not with me and that’s pretty great company to have even if I can’t touch your face or laugh at you when you tell me I am beautiful.

And lovers, one night stands I didn’t know were one nighters at the time, friends with benefits who were never really friends, guys who date me to test how into another girl they really are, guys who will fuck me but not be in a relationship with a dog person, Cape weekender with a busy schedule, guys who will fuck me but not want to be seen with me for fear of what his friends might think, rapists, sexual harassers, loves who have married women named Sarah, Kate or Becky, serial online daters, guys who ask me on dates but never book them, guys who beg for second dates and bail on them, guys who are super into me until something shinier flashes by, guys I give permission to to just be casual and honest but they gussy it up with a lie anyway….

As Damien Rice sings “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you”

Fuck every single one of you motherfuckers. You are what makes women like me go crazy. 3 days ago I was totally secure, calm, having fun, trusting a situation. Plans vaguely made never really made or unmade….a day without contact which I am usually ok with except it’s never happened with this guy until 4 days before my 2 week vacation and I have decided it’s over. My walls are up, shutting down. He’s probably just busy at work or hungover yesterday like I was. At least that’s what normal people attribute it to. Not me….because of all you fucktards I am convinced that despite everything he has said and done, he’s backing away or fucked someone Saturday night or wants to,fuck someone he met between Friday and now. We aren’t in a relationship yet but we do have certain agreements so we are past the point where a blowoff day is ok.

Some of my exes and types of men listed above are Facebook friends. I love you, forgive me but I need to rant about this. Reflect on yourself and let me have this because at some point you did contribute to this part of my brain which descends into unreasonable madness when trying to start a relationship. You are the reason they all end so quickly…. because I would rather walk away, fate unknown, than risk one cry, one embarrassment, one lie. I can’t do it. You’ve been breaking me for 30 fucking years! I should have listened to Mark 2 weeks ago when he told me to trust my gut at a moment I had just agreed to a 2nd date despite feeling like it might not be a trustworthy situation. Of all my exes, I think he knows. I didn’t listen because I thought my gut makes me feel unreasonably judgmental. I didn’t listen because it’s hard to take advice from the happily coupled who haven’t dated in 20 years. I forget I am an empath. I can never be unreasonably judgmental. It’s more like predictive of something others don’t see but is definitely there. Just give it a hot minute.

I am so angry at all of you for cheating on me, humiliating me publicly and amongst friends, making me feel my body isn’t good enough, taking my body when it wasn’t yours to have, commenting on what I eat, telling me how pretty I’d be if I only lost weight, texting me only after all your friends have gone home, promising me you are telling the truth when you are telling that truth to 5 other women at the same time, coming back to date me a second time after I lost 80 pounds because I was more socially acceptable, promising me a day and then booking golf instead, hating my dog, telling me you love me and going home to her and I hate my parents for giving me the wrong name. Friends….if you want your daughters to get married, name them Sarah or Kate. It never fails. They are always first choice.

I hate that I was calm and now completely insecure over the dumbest thing that my female friends would say I am overreacting to but none of you men would say that because you all know, deep down, I am picking up on that vibe you so carefully think you hide well. You know I am not overreacting. You know something is wrong just like I do. Because if nothing else, you have taught me incredibly well not a one of you is to be trusted for Christ’s sake. I love some of you very much but seriously Fuck you for doing this to me. This is not who my parents raised me to be. But you fucking killed me. Am I a game? Was it fun to get me to care about you and then turn away? A mountain you needed to conquer? You see a strong woman and you can’t rest until you break a piece of her? Make her start doubting herself? Maybe it’s subconscious patriarchy. Who knows? Wait until some asshole does it to your daughter.

So forgive me but fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I hate what you made me when it comes to relationships! I can’t have one because of you. That’s actually what you wanted, wasn’t it?

That is all for now.