Jason Isbell does a great song on this topic on his latest album.

I have had a mother of an anxiety attack over the past few days which makes no sense. I am on a 2 week vacation. Life has been pretty good. I am seeing a great guy who I went away with for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. I mean, seriously, no reason for anxiety.

But I guess that’s what is is so complex about it. It can come anytime sparked by anything. While doing errands on Thursday there was a very loud bang sound I hadn’t anticipated. I jumped a mile at that even though no one around me moved.

In order to go away for the weekend and get dog care, I had to tell my parents I am seeing someone which actually stresses me out a lot. If it doesn’t work out, I have to explain that and I never like having to explain that. It’s embarrassing.

I worried all weekend he and I would run into awkward moments or silences but we didn’t. We get along well and genuinely like being around each other. We even survived a room with no a/c, a Murphy bed and a day of rain. We are still trying to process our wasted night of debauchery in a gay bar with friends. I just got excited to run into a good old friend and assumed we would meet up for a drink. But I didn’t think about if he wanted to do that. He was being so great and sociable that I overstayed and overdrank. He spent the night dodging dudes. The next morning he told me he could actually understand what women must go through in bars and why I felt so safe this one night that I got out of hand. The hangover, checkout and obligatory breakfast felt very off and I blame myself for it 100%

So, as great as it was to get a weekend away, I feel like it’s a test to see if he is going for the next stretch or not. Admittedly, he has explained that before knowing if he can be in a committed relationship we at least have to spend a weekend together and some other stuff. He is still talking in terms of next times but I also know he is having drinks with an ex this week. Nothing I wouldn’t do. In fact, I did it 3 weeks ago. And for everything she has over me, I have one thing over her which he wants more than anything so I am not threatened by that.

Then, I am only $500 away from maxing out my credit card with no immediate means of being able to pay it off. I need to have that card on the ready because many times my bills are more than my pAy for certain periods of time. If I don’t have a “bridge” I am screwed. Will I ever get promoted, for the love of god? Plus,dog food budget quadrupled overnight. And Fergus daily looks like he needs to go to the expensive fear free vet.

Anyway, this is just a random stream of consciousness of thoughts which keep replaying in my head that I can’t shut off. Oh, and then there is the domestic disturbance happening next door to my parents which my father keeps getting pulled into and it’s escalating.. including me now receiving unusual attention from the guy next door who might have been hitting on me the other night. Both my mother and dating person think it.

Lost my ATM card while drunk this weekend which feels like a walk of shame having to admit and report it. All because I was probably just paying a meal tab and left it there which is a major fear.

My head just won’t stop. It’s on repeat. Did you pass the test or is he going to bail? Is your neighbor going to try to get you to hang out with him? after all, he waits in the bushes for my dad to come home. Am I an alcoholic because though I don’t drink a lot, I can’t stop when i do? Is he judging me on that or the fact he was practically assaulted because I threw him into the center of pride week? Are my parents looking for an update? Where’s my ATM card? Did I push a friend too far recently because he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday and he never misses it? What have I done? Why do I ruin everything?

yesterday morning I had to call in for an emergency prescription. My heart rate has been elevated over 24 hours, asthma was starting to kick in and my thoughts had devoured my body. Eating was strained if even possible. Even my date was noticing that with concern this weekend.

I had to literally knock myself out yesterday. And having to tell my parents rather than just being alone in my own home caused me even more anxiety. I used their pharmacist and when she saw my name she became incredibly kind. She asked if I was having an attack right then and I started to cry. She told me a way to take it to get it in my blood stream faster and offered to sit with me if I wanted to take one right there. She said “I know your family.”

So for the most part, my heart has slowed down and I think my thoughts are moving more slowly. I went to the driving range this morning and am at the beach right now. But I will probably have to take anxiety meds until I go back to work.

And my life isn’t even bad right now. How crazy is that? I hear one loud noise compounded by trying to make a space for falling in love and it becomes a medical emergency. This is what PTSD looks like for me.