And lovers, one night stands I didn’t know were one nighters at the time, friends with benefits who were never really friends, guys who date me to test how into another girl they really are, guys who will fuck me but not be in a relationship with a dog person, Cape weekender with a busy schedule, guys who will fuck me but not want to be seen with me for fear of what his friends might think, rapists, sexual harassers, loves who have married women named Sarah, Kate or Becky, serial online daters, guys who ask me on dates but never book them, guys who beg for second dates and bail on them, guys who are super into me until something shinier flashes by, guys I give permission to to just be casual and honest but they gussy it up with a lie anyway….

As Damien Rice sings “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you”

Fuck every single one of you motherfuckers. You are what makes women like me go crazy. 3 days ago I was totally secure, calm, having fun, trusting a situation. Plans vaguely made never really made or unmade….a day without contact which I am usually ok with except it’s never happened with this guy until 4 days before my 2 week vacation and I have decided it’s over. My walls are up, shutting down. He’s probably just busy at work or hungover yesterday like I was. At least that’s what normal people attribute it to. Not me….because of all you fucktards I am convinced that despite everything he has said and done, he’s backing away or fucked someone Saturday night or wants to,fuck someone he met between Friday and now. We aren’t in a relationship yet but we do have certain agreements so we are past the point where a blowoff day is ok.

Some of my exes and types of men listed above are Facebook friends. I love you, forgive me but I need to rant about this. Reflect on yourself and let me have this because at some point you did contribute to this part of my brain which descends into unreasonable madness when trying to start a relationship. You are the reason they all end so quickly…. because I would rather walk away, fate unknown, than risk one cry, one embarrassment, one lie. I can’t do it. You’ve been breaking me for 30 fucking years! I should have listened to Mark 2 weeks ago when he told me to trust my gut at a moment I had just agreed to a 2nd date despite feeling like it might not be a trustworthy situation. Of all my exes, I think he knows. I didn’t listen because I thought my gut makes me feel unreasonably judgmental. I didn’t listen because it’s hard to take advice from the happily coupled who haven’t dated in 20 years. I forget I am an empath. I can never be unreasonably judgmental. It’s more like predictive of something others don’t see but is definitely there. Just give it a hot minute.

I am so angry at all of you for cheating on me, humiliating me publicly and amongst friends, making me feel my body isn’t good enough, taking my body when it wasn’t yours to have, commenting on what I eat, telling me how pretty I’d be if I only lost weight, texting me only after all your friends have gone home, promising me you are telling the truth when you are telling that truth to 5 other women at the same time, coming back to date me a second time after I lost 80 pounds because I was more socially acceptable, promising me a day and then booking golf instead, hating my dog, telling me you love me and going home to her and I hate my parents for giving me the wrong name. Friends….if you want your daughters to get married, name them Sarah or Kate. It never fails. They are always first choice.

I hate that I was calm and now completely insecure over the dumbest thing that my female friends would say I am overreacting to but none of you men would say that because you all know, deep down, I am picking up on that vibe you so carefully think you hide well. You know I am not overreacting. You know something is wrong just like I do. Because if nothing else, you have taught me incredibly well not a one of you is to be trusted for Christ’s sake. I love some of you very much but seriously Fuck you for doing this to me. This is not who my parents raised me to be. But you fucking killed me. Am I a game? Was it fun to get me to care about you and then turn away? A mountain you needed to conquer? You see a strong woman and you can’t rest until you break a piece of her? Make her start doubting herself? Maybe it’s subconscious patriarchy. Who knows? Wait until some asshole does it to your daughter.

So forgive me but fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I hate what you made me when it comes to relationships! I can’t have one because of you. That’s actually what you wanted, wasn’t it?

That is all for now.