I always said if things didn’t work out with the latest guy, I’d write about it but he was off limits for a bit when things started to gel.

It’s done now and I am really sad. But it’s not a sadness over missing him specifically, as a person. I realize now there is something slightly lecherous under there. That’s not a Monday morning quarterback thing. I think I sometimes have a lecherous side as well so it just feels like something I can usually see coming and know how to manage. I manage people for a living. And it’s not that I missed things. I did notice them and called them out along the way but kept being reassured there were no problems and we were on the same page.

He said and did all the right things. Not the traditional stuff a dumb girl would fall (and how Nigerian online scammers actually succeed) for but all the things that appeal to me specifically. I love eating at the bar rather than a table. It’s casual, easy, fun. Easy placement Of hand on arm or knee if the chemistry is there. You can interact with the bartender. Stick to appetizers or tapas which is the volume of food I can handle without lengthy explanation or feeling bad about blowing a 30$ meal on 3 bites. Have beers and chat. Easy out when the time is right or you close the bar if it’s going well. And, he didn’t wait for me to find a seat, which I hate. He was already there and had my seat waiting.

He would text me ahead of time on dates to tell me what he was wearing so I would have a sense of the place and feel comfortable with what I might choose to wear. We had flip flop nights and jumpsuit nights. No chain restaurants. Something different every time. Music in one, really fun local folk bands which is perfect for winding down on a weekend.

Daily texts to check in. Random texts that I was hot and needed to know it. Other random unmentionable texts about how hard he was trying to behave on dates. We even negotiated sex up front in terms of what my conditions were in order for it to happen and then what my conditions were for it to get to the important stuff. I wasn’t compromising on getting a long term relationship and was absolutely willing to hold out if need be. I even told him it was ok if he wasn’t the guy, he didn’t have to be but I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t accepting less. He said he was along for the ride and would see what would happen which is exactly my speed.

I wasn’t looking for an immediate commitment. I needed to go slow on this because he was coming on much stronger constantly telling me how into me he was. But I was super chill about it. When a guy is that up front about his feelings, it makes dating much calmer and easier to enjoy. I didn’t totally believe him but I wasn’t nervous around him at all either which I felt was a good sign. We could talk for hours. We got along incredibly well. Similar intelligence, similar interests, very similar politics and beliefs. In fact, he began re-awakening my interests in yoga, spirituality, Buddhism, meditation..things that kind of hit the back burner for me when I needed to shift my body focus to quick weight loss so all my activities became high impact. But in talking to him, I recognized the need to get back to the more calming nervous system activities I once had in place.

Also, not going to lie. Sex was explosive even at average level. He’s a giver and that’s ridiculously important for me. Judge me for being so open about it but some people look for different qualities as priorities. My love language is physical touch – sex is more important to me in a relationship than it is to some men. Some of that may have to do with having been cheated on in the early dating days. But I also think where I am empath, it’s where I can feel truth vs. deceit most clearly. So I need a lot of it. I need it to be really good and I need some specific stuff a guy needs to really enjoy to be skilled appropriately and able to keep up. We had all of that so we knew if this got serious, there was going to be some really cool stuff to explore. I think he got ahead of himself when he realized the goldmine he fell into. His last relationship failed solely due to a sexual mismatch. Yes, I too would break up with someone if the sex didn’t work.

In our case, I think he wanted me to go there now and he knew other girls not looking for serious relationships would. So suddenly his intentions with me started to change but rather than mention it, he decided to test it by taking me away for a weekend. Something no guy has ever done. I think he thought he’d find his greater “connection” by banging the shit out of me for the weekend and getting me to open the door a little more each time. Sorry dude. You were going to get sex all weekend for sure. But nothing new until we both felt it was the right time to move the relationship forward. I had no expectations we would be doing that, even with the weekend getaway. He had kind of already given me a timeline for how he thinks these things progress which I agreed with. A month or 2 of just seeing what happens (accomplished,) a weekend together to see if we could get along, then a little more time….maybe another month to say “girlfriend.” I actually felt that to be very reasonable so I had no expectations of the weekend getaway other than we would spend full nights together and be together for 2 days instead of one. We had plenty of plans…sex, photography, beach, driving range, bars, tapas, shopping. All things we already got along doing.

But when I said guys will take whatever you will give them, I think I hit some kind of nerve. He wasn’t trying to pressure me but I think he was subconsciously hoping. And even later that day, in bed, we continued to talk about the monogamy thing which he has always been adamant about having in a relationship and I was always the one who said it’s ultimately what I wanted too, but, with marriages failing at the rate they do, I had to tell myself to keep an open mind. I have never said I would be ok with me or my husband fucking around with other people. I’m not into that poly, open marriage stuff. However, because sex is so important, should there come a day when one of us needs something the other absolutely cannot/won’t fulfill and everything else is perfect, I think you have to at least have the conversation of “what if I give you a pass for this one thing?” Totally against it and appalled at me for having this train of thought through multiple conversations. And yet, Friday night, just happened to check our online stuff and he had made an interesting change to “open to non-monogamy.” Got a glimpse from me of some pearly gates but decided he didn’t want to wait on mine.

He also didn’t let me know he had made this decision. Instead, he still checked in with me every day after our weekend and continued to discuss “next times.” Oh, and while on the weekend, after the “men take” conversation, he still took and was talking about September weekend getaways he was planning for us. Even still, I am an empath and over a hundred miles away with only text as a resource, I felt a massive energy shift and knew something was up. He knew I was coming home for the weekend but he hadn’t suggested a plan – this from a see me 3 times a week guy before vacation. I had to text him to tell him I knew something was wrong and that he needed to tell me what. A text response I didn’t get until 8am yesterday morning.

I was not in love. But I was so hopeful on this one because it all just lined up. Even online, we were a 98% match which is unheard of. Healthy things were happening here. Real dates, honest and lengthy conversations about where both our heads were at, flowers, sex, vacation, etc. There honestly was no reason for me not to play along. In fact, every time I felt a concern, I’d check in with friends to talk me down because I know I am naturally paranoid – circa previous dating history. Instead of checking on every empath sensation, I gave space. And he even thanked and appreciated me for giving him space. Duh! I need a shit load of space so I get it. Anyway. I did everything right on this one. I thought I screwed up a little on the drunken gay bar night by overstaying and letting him be hit on but that actually had no impact. Damage was done hours before that when I accidentally called him out without knowing it.

And now he so admires me and respects me. He is so attracted to me but it’s not 100% and we each need our 100% so we have to let each other find that. And he could have stayed with me much longer and done this months from now. Fair. I agree and am glad of it because I really do want the whole deal. It’s just, couldn’t he have just said up front he wanted sex? I would have been able to do that and compartmentalize it without feelings or expectations had I gone into it that way at the start and I would still be benefiting from great sex while dating around for the long term guy. I know, I can be like a dude.

I am definitely embarrassed about believing this guy, at his insistence, when I was trying to slow things down at first. I am embarrassed for believing this guy was going to be a promising relationship. I am embarrassed for letting myself believe in the potential, for letting a few friends in on the idea something might work out for me after they have spent 25 years picking me up after every disappointment. And I never let my parents know I am seeing anyone because I don’t want to suffer any defeat in front of them. But I was at their house when the weekend trip came about and had to explain why I’d be missing a couple days as well as ask for Fergus sitting. So now I have to tell them this failed and that’s a real ball breaker for me. I told him I didn’t like doing that. But he insisted on the birthday weekend and booked the place before we could talk through all that. And my fucking birthday. He knew up front how upsetting my birthday is, all the let downs and bad memories. So he chose to fucking tattoo a now very bad memory on my birthday. Can’t wait for next year’s beach reflection on that one.

So I am not going to have trouble “getting over” him at all. That’s not the sadness happening. It’s that all my other relationships that didn’t work out had rottenness from the start so it was easy to comprehend and I didn’t feel like a fool. This had none of that crap. This looked like what other people get and it just took me longer to get there but here I finally was. I guess even guys over 40 still don’t have their shit together and play games. And, I have lost my “hope” and shiny dating optimism. MY “get back up and in the ring.” This outcome I didn’t see coming and I’m supposed to see everything coming. That’s the only way I know to survive.

The End of Matt.