So this past week was ushered in by roses and Allagash White. Aside from general appreciation I have tried to keep to myself as much as I can. I really have no idea what I am doing dating a mature person who I can have any kind of conversation with. I had to ask my therapist if it’s ok that I am not rushing and just letting it happen…is that an indication I am not that interested? Is it an indication that things are just happening naturally and I don’t know what that feels like?

Anyway, I hold back on him because I am convinced he’s just enjoying a shiny new toy and is throwing so much into it that he will disappear pretty soon. I fear I will bore him but he said “you are many things but boring is not one of them.” I also know he needs words, he needs me to express something which I can do easily down the road but I can’t do now. Even so, I experimented and texted him while I was out to ask if it was ok to let him know I was thinking of him. He seemed happy about it and thought it was funny I was getting drunk with my parents and their friends.

Thursday night, all day Friday it was about ” when can I see you again?” I told him I’d be home Sunday. He texted me this afternoon for a very brief conversation and that was it. So I believe we are at a point where I expressed interest and perhaps should not have. We are also only 5 days away from me taking off for 2 weeks and I don’t know how that’s going to work or if it even will. Idle hands….well, I’ve never had great experiences seeing guys with idle hands. Don’t get me wrong, if he disappeared tomorrow, I would be ok. I am pretty happy in my life so him being in it is an additive but it’s subtraction doesn’t take anything away. I’d just be annoyed because I want to be wrong about guys for once. And I resent the idea of spending my vacation wondering who he might be comparing me to and if I am going back on the shelf. Thanks exes for doing this to me. You really suck, you know that?

So I think we are in a moment where I am supposed to act distant and disinterested. I think it’s biological that we have to have this stupid push and pull where a man and woman can’t be equally into each other at the same time. One must always feel the need to chase the other and when caught, someone tries to break loose again.

I shouldn’t have talked about this at all. I feel like I jinx things the moment I admit to them to friends which I did this week. So that’s where we are…..from optimistic and calm to questionable, iffy and annoyed.