So date 2 is in the books and went well enough that date 3 is tomorrow night. My head wasn’t in a great place upon going out Sunday night. But he is a great conversationalist. I love the way he thinks and he’s a feminist. We kept it low key. Beer and apps while watching some local folk bands who were really good. In fact, he texted me one of their songs the next day called “Make a Move” because he felt it a very funny representation of us.

I don’t believe in women who give ultimatums. How can you spend your life with someone who wasn’t willing to get there on his own and is simply more afraid of being alone than of losing you specifically? That’s why he gives in… not because it’s yuh he can’t live without. If he had another option, he’d be pursuing it. He’s just too lazy to be alone or start the whole dating process again. His acquiescence isn’t about you. What a horrible subconscious thing to have under the skin of your marriage and parenting.

I didn’t give an ultimatum. I just stated who I am and what I expect for myself and good luck to him but I am moving on. I had no expectation he would respond to that, challenge me to consider other possibilities and then bring solid A game from that point on. Honestly, no guy has ever tried to hang on as I’m walking away.

One cool thing with this guy is that I feel calm and unrushed. It’s fun and I don’t have any angst about it. Highly unusual for me. I am still very aware I could screw it up. I have some pretty complicated thoughts which make me want to be very careful I am not diving too far in knowing I will hurt him because of what I know I may not be able to deliver. But I’m considering doing the work on me to clean up my loose ends. We’ll see.

From this point on, I don’t think I will share more. Once a guy has potential, he gets writing protected because I value that privacy. But I at least wanted to check in knowing my Sunday post was a bit dismal. I just didn’t have a lot of faith in me. But he wants to so maybe he sees something I don’t.

I just read something about how super independent women like me who are used to doing everything on our own usually have some big insecurities that play out early on in relationships. That actually feels accurate. The article says women like me have to learn to trust. My issue is that I needed to know I could take care of myself alone before I could ever consider a serious relationship. Because divorce rates are so high, I had to know I had my own financial abilities should I ever be cheated on. And not having kids….because I knew I didn’t want to be left as a single parent and that I most certainly could not afford raising kids on my own while my ex has a mid life chasing after younger women. I never wanted to also feel stuck in a bad relationship for the kids or the money. So I am finally confident I can be in a relationship for the right reasons and that I can walk away anytime if it’s not right.

Yeah…. so trusting someone else’s intentions and view of me is foreign ground for me. But when a guy has the balls to tell you a Taylor Swift song makes him think about what step we are at, you have to have mad respect.

Additionally, you all try to tell me being in a relationship isn’t as great as I think and you have financial challenges too, etc, but what you have always had that I don’t is that person as your touchstone through the day. Your workday sucks but your husband texts you something funny which changes your mood. Your day sucks but you know you have a kid to go home to who will be delighted to see you. There is someone there you can speak to, someone you can give a grocery list to, someone you know will take the dog out when you are running late. You have alternatives. You have distractions. You have partners. I have the same shitty day and problems you do but no distractions, no light at the end of the tunnel, no partner to remind me what we are trying to accomplish even if we are frustrated with each other.

I got an adorably sexy text this morning which changed the dynamic of the rest of my day. It was in that moment I truly understood what you have that I don’t and why your days really are more tolerable than mine. Yes, I get to travel and I don’t answer to anyone which is great. But when I need a partner, I have no one answering me. When I get the news my dog has a chronic illness, I go home alone with that news and I alone start the treatment plan. And to travel, I pay double what I would if I had someone to go with. You have that option. You just don’t have travel as your priority. Doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

Maybe your husband is dismissive or not that helpful. That’s too bad. Seems like you should fix that since you are still together. Don’t settle for it. And don’t compare it with me. You have a partner and you guys got complacent and now have a problem to solve. I don’t get to have the problem of complacency. I just always have to buy my own groceries even when I am sick and my dog is sick.

I’m not complaining. I just had a major revelation today that made everything make sense. Every time I mention the challenges of being single, somebody corrects me by starting how awful it is even being married. Exactly, we both live awful stuff. We both don’t have partners. So no, it’s not as hard and lonely for you. It could be because you have a choice to stay or be single. I don’t have that choice. And if going it alone were so much better and easier, you’d do it. So let’s please acknowledge that you don’t know what it’s like to wake up alone with nightmares. He may not wake up with you when it happens to you but at least there is a body next to you. You could shake it awake and make it talk to you if you wanted to. So the comparisons of our life challenges are fair. But it ends there because there is no break in mine like there is in yours. That’s all I have been trying to articulate all these years.

And yeah, it’s pretty nice to be thought of and flirty in the beginning. If you are missing that now go fight to get it back. It’s worth it.

Wow, major tangent but those are my discoveries today. Fingers crossed I don’t feel the need to write about this guy again. That would happen if it bottoms out.