So if this thing works out he will either find my rawness and pursuit of art charming or he will be aghast and fearful he’ll never have anything private. Fair. But I am being true to this journey because this guy isn’t as left field as so many of the others I have dated and have been so funny to write about. I am putting some “real” to this one and owning that if it blows up, it’ll probably be me that does it. Shocker.

Last week I decided I was on the back burner and that he was dangling carrots periodically to hold his place with minimal effort. I asked if we were going to make plans and he said some weird shit about having a really busy 2 weeks and that I’m hot shit. Not really an answer. Nothing to lose me called him on that and just said I am not a back burner girl, that he can go ahead and date a bunch of other people and that I will too, but that he doesn’t get to keep me in his back pocket in the event he doesn’t find what he’s looking for. I told him I am the busiest person I know, physically and mentally but if there’s something I want, I make it happen….that when a guy wants a girl, he will make it happen. I just don’t mess around and that’s the very thing he said he really liked about me when we met. So I was done.

He actually responded and told me I was right to feel the way I did but that 9 times out of 10 your gut is right and that mine wasn’t right about what was keeping him away and that he was disappointed that he made me feel like that. So, I did what I never do and responded. “I’m willing to listen.” I am so afraid of feeling love and fear of losing love that I light matches on houses that haven’t even begun being built just so I can feel safe and have nothing to go back to. So I cut and run really fast on people. My life works because I don’t let anything in that is uncertain or shakable. I can’t be trusted with that stuff. I do one night stands and people who can never stay. Being someone’s not first choice back in the day fucking broke me and I have never really gotten over it. I just stay out of situations which might make me feel too much. It’s easier to be a bitch and travel alone, proverbially and otherwise.

But we are going out for drinks tonight to re-connect. I was looking forward to it a few days ago but am a little scared now. Nothing to do with him. I just shook hands with the old, broken me the other day and it scared the shit out of me…its potency. Time did not heal my hatred of who I used to be and the fear is just as thick in this moment. I am hoping going out tonight will kick me back into being me and getting my train back on the track. Shit, maybe being this naked and raw could be a good thing for once.

So I kind of hope he comes with complications I can keep at arms length for the moment because the obvious ones in me aren’t the ones he needs to worry about. Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s treachery for me. I don’t have a problem attracting people. I have a problem getting them to stay. There’s a lot out there easier to deal with than me…not necessarily better, just simpler. Some people are ok living the life I used to want to live because it’s less unpredictable. You miss out on a ton of fun, adventure and spontaneity with me that I think could be worth sticking around for. But the other stuff….well, it’s just hard and people just don’t want to wade through the seaweed to get to the good spots. I want someone to break through but I don’t have the energy to help him do it.