A question famously asked and written about by Hillary Clinton after losing the election.

The short answer? A guy got rejected by a hot woman once. Another man wound up divorced when the wife learned she could provide for herself and any life was better than cooking and cleaning for him all day while he worked and probably cheated on her a lot. Some other men were forced to give up their slaves. And another group of men got told it might be wrong to force a woman to have sex. Also, present day general sentiment is that it was kind of wrong to inhabit the US by stealing and killing Native Americans.

And here we are with the current Republican Party. It isn’t just Trump. It’s easy to say it has everything to do with him but out of the other side of their mouths, they say he has no power and isn’t actually going to enact anything he threatens he will. It’s actually more complicated than that. He’s a figurehead and imposes no boundaries on the Republicans. His sole job was to be mentally unreasonable and appoint radically poor judges to the Supreme Court in order to get Roe V Wade overturned, prevent the constitution from being amended to include women beyond just ERA, to never close the wage gap and to repeal DOMA among many other things I am forgetting.

Hillary didn’t get elected because she was a woman. Not because she was unlikeable or previous political actions might have been disagreeable. It truly is because she was a woman and she would have put liberal, reasonable people on the Supreme Court who would have had the best interests of all humans in mind. It’s just easy to excuse her by saying she is unlikeable. Look around. All women are unliked unless we are just quiet receptacles for ejaculation.

Just this morning I was thinking about the men I grew up attracted to and who I dated for a good chunk of my adult years. Who I thought I was supposed to aim at for marriage. They were all smart and strong. Mostly conservative and had a good handle on finances. And yet I never found one to settle down with. They would have you believe I am crazy or maybe not wife material or their mother wouldn’t like me or any number of false reasons.

I think the truth of it is that I still always had a mind of my own and I had an idea that a relationship should be on equal footing. I talked back. I asked questions when suspicious. I told them when their behavior was unacceptable. I behaved inappropriately at times too. I liked sex…..things good girls don’t do. Wives don’t do. That’s why I am here and they are there. They found what they were looking for. I was raised by society to look for them but my own mind was just too strong to look the other way, to believe that compromise was about compromising who I am….not whose turn it is to do the dishes.

As the anti abortion war on women is heating up, the podcast I listened to on the way home from work was about women wanting their tubes tied so as not to have children. They were talking about how every doctor talks them out of it because they are young, they might change their minds or they might meet a nice man. I have always felt I didn’t want children. However, I still thought maybe that would change if I met the right guy, like really fell in love….that my brain chemistry and hormones would physically change in response to love and turn on a biological urge. Good thing I never thought about pursuing a tubal ligation because I would have been told “what if you meet a nice guy?”

Well, I never did. So when they shovel that crap to younger women, don’t listen to that. It actually may never happen and the second best plan you end up with is an unwanted pregnancy with a guy who isn’t going to be around in 10 years. You will then be a single parent trying to get by on your wage gap earnings and your second job as a waitress where you must be subjected to sexual harassment on the daily to earn your tips. In fact, by trying to get rid of Roe V Wade, the men are trying to ensure that same economic bleakness so that you always stay down below them. Either way, you are screwed…voluntarily or by rape….neither of which will allow you to choose your outcome if you get pregnant.

FYI, you can have your Fallopian tubes removed and still get pregnant. You just have to do it via IVF which means you would really want it and be making the choice you truly desire; not an outcome forced upon you by a large group of rejected white men who have the money and influence to put a buffoon in office so that no one would regulate their behavior. Like if your parents forgot to hire the babysitter and went out anyway.

I’ve lost my sex drive. I know, we aren’t supposed to talk about these things out loud. Even more reason to bring it up because I firmly believe it’s not just me. What happened? My relationship last summer ended because of a feminist issue and double standard. It actually made me feel really dirty and ashamed. I felt compromised and a little taken advantage of. I couldn’t talk about it. In fact, every time I look back on it now, I get kind of a shiver….that gross kind of shiver when something just turns you off or repulses you. I can’t explain it. It just kind of stops the sex hormones and returns my focus to word searches and reality tv. I don’t do anything to pursue sex. Anytime I have been around a potential romantic interest, I feel physically repulsed even if we are an intellectual, humor match. It’s just kind of all dead in there.

The Kavanaugh hearings reminded me of my rape almost 25 years ago. I equated it with the overall rape of women and the intent of taking our rights away from us. Men, in general, just started to become revolting to me because the ones who voted Republican enabled these political outcomes which are literally about attacking women. Don’t get me wrong, I have some very good male friends I love and respect. My friendship feelings don’t change. I just have lost my appetite for what the meat I am being served.

I am horrified about what is happening in Georgia, Alabama, Missouri and Ohio. I hold Republican voters responsible for this….for not listening to people like me during the elections warning them this would happen. And it literally is oozing out through my body in that I don’t want anyone to touch me. I don’t want to give another man the privilege of getting to have sex with me. Unless you are a liberal feminist who can convince me otherwise….my body and mind just can’t be won.

Every relationship I thought I screwed up years ago, the wistfulness and what ifs ….dead. The sexual fantasies where they sometimes show up….dead. It also feels really freeing to have none of those thoughts. There is no man on my mind. Society taught us girls to always like a guy or be waiting for a guy to make up his mind about us. That even when in between relationships we should either be pining for the one we lost or planning ahead to get the next one. Do you know how peaceful it is to just let that go after 30 years of dating? It’s amazing. It’s just so quiet and calm inside me.

I do feel angst about the future of our country and losing my attraction of men just creates more space in me to dissect civil unrest. Every fear my friends ridiculed me for has actually come true. I know people think I am dramatic and dumb and a bit crazy. But at some point, you really have to take a step back and give me a little benefit of the doubt. I have Master’s in Science. A majorly competitive and respected University graduated me. That wasn’t an accident. I am not stupid. Dramatic….sure, I’m a writer. It’s part of the artistic DNA. I bet all your favorite actors, singers and writers Are dramatic but you don’t criticize them. And, as for the crazy….not one of you has the medical qualifications my psychologist & PCP do. I have been extensively tested for crazy and passed as not at all crazy. Depressed, yes. That’s not crazy. In fact, I dare some of you to get the mental workups I have had and come out as balanced and self aware as I am.

Frankly, to have voted Republican and tried to excuse Trump as simply a blowhard we don’t need to worry about….I think you might have a lack of intelligence and some mental issues that have gone a lifetime unchecked. If you aren’t scared for your daughters, sisters, wives and mothers there is something very, very, very wrong with you. When you are at the doctor asking for your insurance covered Viagra and Vasectomies, you should have a mental wellness check at the same time. I’m not the problem. I’m the woman who will probably secretly hide your daughter, transport her across state lines for an abortion and hide her in my house to let her recover. You are going to want me around when it comes to that because you know you don’t want your teenage daughter having a baby. You may vote one way and talk one way but you are not ready to help your 14 year old raise a kid. That’s not what you want. You just want to be sure your wife can never be economically sound enough alone to leave you.