I am embarrassed. It doesn’t happen very often. But when it does, I very deeply do not like it. I know, most of you who read my Facebook posts are scratching your heads right now wondering why it hasn’t happened 125 times this month already. That’s because stuff I put out there doesn’t embarrass me at all because it’s my choice and there is a reason I share so much….some greater purpose I believe in.

It’s when I have thought the best of a situation or person and given every reason to believe that faith is not ill placed and then I am still failed….made to think I might have been being silly to believe in the first place. Happens a lot when trying to start relationships. It’s not losing the guy which hurts so much, it’s that I am embarrassed to have been hopeful.

When I get super annoyed at the Deepak Chopra friend types who tell you that if you think positively, positive things will happen or what you put into the world is what you get back, it’s because that stuff isn’t true. That’s just something really lucky people say because they sometimes just can’t believe their luck and need to give it some kind of explanation. Nope, you are just lucky. There’s no karmic, philosophical, yogic explanation. You can still enjoy reading “The Secret” but it’s no different than reading “Charlotte’s Web.” It’s just a story like everything else.

Unless the only thing I put out into the world, which is measured for investment return, is my shit in the toilet, I am not getting back at all what I put into the universe. I have to believe I can do better than just take shits considering I only get that back. Every day I think of 3 things I am grateful for. Every night I pray for what I am thankful for and I put positive thoughts into the world for you and myself. Still, only hearing back from the sewer.

It’s bullshit. People like to take advantage of hopeful, believing people like me (I ALWAYS start from that disposition) because they know I will give everything I have to something or someone I believe in. They are not at all concerned with what they dangle in front of me just being a tool to lure me in. Thing is, all you have to do is ask me for something and I will do it. You don’t need to manipulate in any way. But when you do, I have an expectation. It’s fair for me to have it. So, I am supremely embarrassed when it doesn’t pan out. Hence, how we arrive at the equation of my skepticism going forward. You view it as negativity. It’s just x + y = z.

When I feel like this, I do keep a low profile and am wounded. In fact, this emotion is the one most dangerous to my depression and most likely to re-ignite it. A fact which frightens me because I can’t get on a higher dosage of medication than I am already on. Last resort was a bell I already rang.

I stayed home this past weekend because it was easier to just stay on my couch with Fergus rather than drive a few hours in the rain just to sit on a different couch in front of parents I constantly disappoint. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to answer questions. I prefer to pretend nothing happened. Doing the same thing this weekend. I will stop at a bar after work for 2 beers waiting for take out and then sit in the house alone all weekend because I am embarrassed by something I don’t want to talk about. Something where I did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact I did 200% right. Everybody wins but me. I’m exhausted. I’m embarrassed to have been seen chasing after treats like a dog. It really messes with me a lot.

Getting out of bed today was just a little harder than usual. That’s not good.