I am never going to hit 1600 words a day which is the goal of writing a novel but I still want to discipline myself on the daily stuff because I do want to see if I can find the time to write a book.

Odd day today. I achieved an incredibly well sought after achievement many years in the making. In a specific situation it has officially been validated that there, indeed, is nothing wrong with me but sometimes the environment I am in.

Forgive my speaking cryptically and try to follow. I am the kind of person who sees through you which includes seeing the parts of you that you might be afraid to have seen. So if you are highly flawed or doing bad things, you want me fat away so you don’t have too view yourself as you are.

When you have nothing to hide, it works superbly well. I’m in that place right now. But for over 15 years was actually surrounded by people who couldn’t handle looking at themselves because they didn’t want to do the hard work of fixing themselves or achieving goals in an honest fashion the way I insist EVERYTHING be done.

I am happy but not happy enough. I wanted 1 thing which was to be officially recognized in the same category as 2 people who don’t belong in it. I work way harder and sometimes it takes me longer to get results because I do it without cheating.

And yet, I’m still not there despite my actual behavior and performance being a thousand times better. I have given more than I thought I could. I should be celebrating but find myself exhausted and ready to collapse under the weight of wondering what more could I possibly do?

I don’t get it. And neither will anyone else when they figure it out. Yet, I will be the one they ask for explanation. I’m the one they look up to. I’m the one they emulate. I don’t have an explanation which is more than just my own personal letdown. It’s their letdown too because now they will feel their own efforts futile.

I will likely get 3 great things out of this. I only wanted and needed one. It’s the 4th item that didn’t make the list.