For quite a few years there have been a couple songs that saunter through me and connect to words I don’t have. One of them is “What You Want” by John Butler Trio and now his new one above “Home.” There is also “My Life As A Wrestler” from Dear Leader. Sheila Divine plays it frequently as well (same lead singer.)

I love the earlier 2 songs so much but tell myself there ends up being a disconnect because while both are stories of being lost in multiple ways, they both have a connection at the end….a person they come home to after all is said and done. Someone who makes it hard for them to be who they are chasing their music because it lies in contrast to the home and family they must often leave behind to go on the road. That’s where my road diverges in that I can follow them all through these songs until they have love and home….

Something pulling them back. I don’t have those.

But watching the “Home” video made it all make sense. It’s a really beautiful video in how he conveys himself. All the loneliness you see reflecting from him alone at bars, diners, concert venues and hotels…..that’s how my life feels every day. But it’s a little bit inverse in that my life is still searching for home. My contrast is that I am living pretty authentically up to about 85% of who I am but nothing is pulling me back in. It’s more like I circle a dangerous vortex which reminds me I don’t connect to anything and if I am not careful, I could be swallowed by that. I think the feelings might be quite similar to what’s happening in the video, though. The looks he can convey in the video….dunking his head in water and pushing back his hair back in Australia, walking barefoot alone in the woods with his dog. The hotel scenes and the lighting behind him. All of that connects to me. If you could make sounds or video of how it feels to be lost, never ever having found your home….this song and video somehow do that for me.

Sharing the video is as close as I can get to explaining what it feels like to have no home, no connection, no person and feeling like my journey is a very long, dark walk in woods where I may never find my house or my people sitting around a fire. It’s really scary. I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want because no one needs me. No one is missing me. No one is questioning my priorities or looking for compromise. No one is telling me they hate my writing or love it….that they want to be on this journey with me. I am not worried about the happiness of someone else and if my behavior ever threatens to destroy that. No one ever needs to have a conversation with me face to face and better not on text.

It’s funny, the closest I ever actually feel to being whole is when I travel. Even then, I am doing it alone. Maybe I want my life to get in someone else’s way. Maybe I’m tired of having coffee alone at the counter, hanging out at concerts by myself listening to these amazing artists with no one to turn to when they start playing their best song, drinking beers alone at the bar until getting hit on by married men. Maybe I want someone to tell me they don’t want to vacation where I do and offer me a different suggestion….one that would be ok no matter what because it becomes about the company you are with. Or, if I do travel alone….I want to miss someone. I want to enjoy myself but feel like I have someone to get back home to. A reason to get off the plane.

I want home.

“Oh life, I’m chasing it but it’s not chasing me. Maybe it’s just these lofty goals. They’re always out of reach. Oh I suppose that I’m just tired but I’m still fighting.”