I went to a psychic medium tonight because it just can’t hurt. As I was getting ready to start booking yoga classes again, I found some great spiritual options being offered by the studio and bit the bullet by making the appointment 2 weeks ago. I just question where I’m going, what’s my purpose, am I lovable and do I really need to think about my plan for growing old and dying alone as I’m already in the 2nd half of my life. And, I actually do believe there are couple dead people who do visit me and look out for me. The evidence on John is actually pretty irrefutable if I were to start listing examples. I’m not freaked out by it but you would be.

Powerful shit came through in the cards. A very recent, strong period of hostility and deceit that carries a theme which has always wafted through my life….and were I to start believing in past lives (not sure yet) then I asked to be challenged in this life by treacherous things in order to learn how to rise above and work them out differently from past lives where I got it wrong. After about 40ish years, I am actually getting the hang of it.

John was there tonight but, apparently, so was Gam, my grandmother on my dad’s side. Any stories I share about her let you know she was not a nurturing woman by any means. She was quite outspoken and obstinate and, I believe, born in the wrong generation. Had she been a millennial, she’d never get married or have kids. She’d be career driven and quite fulfilled by that. So she isn’t the sweet brownie baking grandmother the rest of you have and I didn’t have some beautiful bond with her. I bonded with my alcoholic grandfather hooked up to an oxygen tank, never leaving his bedroom. When my parents asked my grandmother to take care of me after my knee surgery in high school, she left me in the house alone on painkillers and crutches while she sunbathed by our pool. I had to answer the phone and figure out a way to get up and feed myself.

When my father went to Vietnam, she sold his car and gave away his clothes figuring he wasn’t coming back. She was just being efficient. When I went to college and signed up for a coed dorm, she called it a lesbian dorm and insisted that meant the same thing as coed. She blamed my mother for allowing this disgrace to happen…. y mother poisoning the bloodline with her half Italian origins. Yet, had she been alive when my sister came out, I actually think she might have handled it just fine….in her way. She would have accepted it and also said offensive things without realizing she was being offensive and we would have just rolled with it. She started drinking highballs in Maine by 11am each day because as she said “I’m old enough to do what I want when I want.” When she went to rehab for recovery after her second bout with lung cancer she told my father not to visit unless he brought a bottle of Dewars and a steak. But, she went to church multiple times a week to pray for her grandchildren.

So you can understand why I may have been a little surprised she came through very strongly to the point the psychic actually imitated her exact posture. Not easy to do because it was related to her having a metal plate in her head from a tragic car accident. My family would recognize it in a heartbeat because the way she stood and entered a room was unique. On the other hand, when she started inserting herself into the conversation, it began to make a lot more sense. For instance, I was just telling someone the car selling story the other day when it dawned on me the first time it wasn’t an act of malice or lack of heart. It was her way of protecting her heart and getting shit done so she could compartmentalize the process of losing her son (even though it didn’t happen….physically.). It was the first time I actually empathized with her and realized where I inherited a similar behavior. The crazier things get, the more dire the situation, the calmer and more planful I am….to the point of being able to completely shut off my feelings. Interesting to have only made that connection 3 weeks ago and for her to push her way through all my dead people cos she had a long list of shit to cover with me.

First, she acknowledged that I have lived an entire life of not truly ever being nurtured, pampered or prioritized and that I deserve those things. She didn’t have those things either. She pointed out the little girl who follows me everywhere I go is actually me…my damage started there by her son and she’s not happy about that. As a result, that little kid is someone I build very big barriers around to protect at all times. She wants me to unload the barriers while understanding I am not and have not ever been surrounded by the right people (in this case, men. I think she knows I have pretty amazing friends.). She just doesn’t really know how I can do it since the men really aren’t out for my best interests and I haven’t been wrong about that. That said, I still haven’t really found my community, my “people” and that I think too differently from most people. Despite how much I put out there, there’s a lot I hold back because my community may not embrace all my feelings and beliefs. Apparently, I need to pursue them anyway.

And yes, the job….I’m forcing myself to fit into a mold because it makes sense to the world, to to me….it’s what my parents did so unto me is delivered the same hell. And when I experience “crazy” ideas like I did today when I thought about what it would take to just grab my purse, walk out and go the airport, I’m not supposed to talk myself out of it with dog, family, mortgage. I’m supposed to imagine myself in that place and let myself feel what I think I would feel were I there and, supposedly, the world will direct the resources I need to work around these obstacles because that’s my little spirit team talking to me. I’m supposed to listen to them.

I’m also “advanced.” Gam made that loud and clear. Advanced in the sense that I have the strength and self awareness to battle problems at a faster clip than the average person. Extremely true. Also, psychic ability is very present. If I’m telling the honest truth, can’t refute that based on a lifetime of creepy examples. You just tell me I am crazy and overreacting so I tend not to share most of it with anyone anymore. But let’s put it this way, based on a dream I had the other night, I am absolutely going to the doctor to have some tests done. Something undiagnosed is happening and needs urgent attention. I know it in my bones and I’m not going to downplay myself as paranoid this time. After all, when was the last time you thought I was paranoid and what I said didn’t happen? You can’t come up with anything, can you? Creepy, isn’t it?

At the end of all this, the psychic apologized that the man didn’t speak. If you knew John….few words on a good day. Someone like my grandmother would steamroll him and his politeness would make him completely defer to her. Plus, I think his staunch Catholicism might make it hard for him to participate in something like this. Talking to me In dreams is more his speed. Yet, because I asked him to be there, he would never let me down.

So, yes….this entire post sounds like the rantings of a complete lunatic. Perhaps lunatics are my people and I need to seek them out to find the community where I belong. But here’s the thing, whether you buy into any of this or not doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what pieces of it I buy into or not. What I did get is validation of an unnurtured, unprioritized life. That is basic fact. It has completely fucked me up. People want, want, want from me with no regard for my needs. Fact. Just spend a day responding to dating websites for me. This is why I have gotten to the point I eat so fast I am forgetting to chew my food and blocking my own esophagus. ” I can see you are eating but can I ask you a question?” Oh, you think you’re the only one to do that and it’s a one off? Um… no. Or how about the times I almost faint at work because I have gone too long without eating or going to the bathroom? That happens at least once a week.

I have gotten reinforcement that I am insanely strong but I do have resources I need to reach out to for helpa d I need to ask. Work in progress on that. Too used to being let down and my grandmother said tonight….”why let someone else do what you can do better yourself?” She gets it. She also told the psychic to stop dumbing down the messages, that I get it and am not freaked out, “just tell it straight.”Also, that I am evolved to a higher plane spiritually and empathically. Knew that but it’s always interesting to see someone else pick up on it so fast. And, I need a meaningful change and people don’t believe in the life I believe in. Fact. I spend a lot of time trying to explain my vision of love and happiness to others who insist it doesn’t exist. Well, guess I’ll die trying because it’s truer to who I am than giving up on it which isn’t in my DNA. I do have supportive friends but I think the point is I need to be in daily situations where the majority of people around me are of similar capacity. The load balance is currently a bit off. I also do need to make a change even if others disagree with it. Those “others” have way more check marks in their life indicating happiness and fulfillment than I do so there’s no comparison between me and you and my needs against what you think I need. We’re just different. You found your general happiness and purpose earlier on. I haven’t found mine yet.

And if my grandmother really did come through, that’s pretty rad for a devout Irish Catholic. Who knows? Could have been my mom’s Mom I never knew or my great aunt Betty. They were all pretty strong women who took zero shit from men way ahead of their time and if they were looking down on my life in relation to theirs….. very, very angry and disappointed at the complete lack of evolution of men. Totally sickened tonight by the men I have experienced my whole life. That was visceral. Probably why I have such evolved parents who raised children without traditional gender rules ingrained in us. We were 3 resourceful, strong, smart, hard working kids due equal opportunities. Not 1 boy and 2 girls- the girls learning to sew and cook aimed at marriage to get by. Nope. Marriage wasn’t a priority assigned to any of us. Independence, integrity and self sustainment was all we were taught.

So I have a lot to think about and absorb. But I needed this no matter how outlandish it appears. Not like anything has worked yet.