….the phrase which made me single again.

Finally back to my doctor today. He and I take concurrent vacations in August so I go without a safety net that month. This just wasn’t the best August for that. Thank almighty God my bff isn’t mad at me and checked in when he did….literally right after my last convo with Matt. I was in a bad place and this guy friend has now saved my life twice.

I gave the doc the play by play of my PTown weekend and subsequent demise of a potential relationship. When I told him what I said he actually validated it by citing psychological studies and examples proving I am right. Not necessarily in a rape way but just that they aren’t going to stop you to mention you might be offering something up too soon.

He also said he thinks I struck a nerve on something in his past he is ashamed of…some boundary he may have crossed and got called out on. Whatever it was, the doc felt there is a very deep problem inside this guy I couldn’t have predicted.

I can’t stop beating myself up for being fooled by him or the fact I still am unlovable. Those are facts. But given time and the exchange we had last Thursday night, I understand Matt to be an emotionally cold and punishing kind of person. He knows the words and motions but they have nothing behind them. There is a need for control, a need to one up and a need to be sure you know you are beneath him.

We had an unfortunate exchange where we were both texting so fast that when I told him to enjoy his Buddhist karma, he thought it was in response to a terrible family tragedy he had just shared. I only meant it in terms of the upcoming list of bitches he’d be dating in his non monogamy pursuit. Before I could clarify that, I got punished by being told I crossed the line and would now be blocked. I don’t care about that but for him to think my intent was something else means he didn’t understand me at all.

I still call bullshit on his Buddhism and feminism. He can’t be either based on his behavior, response to being called out as a man and the way he handled the weekend getaway.

So it does help to get the professional perspective in that I was dealing with an incredibly bizarre, cold and narcissistic person. Even still…if I can’t make one of those loved me, who will?