A fisherman holding a caught fish in his hands


I am re-writing dating profiles to indicate what the person is really saying.  Also, I am leaving all typos and grammatical errors in just so you know they aren’t mine.  I think preserving them gives a richer picture.  No names or personally identifying information will be relayed.

The Conservative

“Confident, world traveler, ex-military, ocean lover, successful, spontaneous, witty, intelligent, humble, adventurous, fit and healthy lifestyle, loves a good challenge, tough mudder runner, highly active & energetic.”


“Confident, world traveler, Trump voter and old-fashioned, ocean lover, I have money, I hope you don’t have children, witty, intelligent, basically not at all humble, adventurous, not fat and don’t want you to be fat, will not sit on a couch ever, no Netflix and chill, I repeat, no Netflix & chill, if you even own sweatpants don’t swipe right, I am not fat and I hate fat women.”

The Stoner

“420 friendly…not sure what to put here.  Up for anything, see what happens.  I have custody of my 11 year old daughter.  Fishing, walks, anything outdoors.  Netflix.  Anything else, just ask.”


“I am hoping you will pay for the pot because I put in minimal effort at life.  Baby mom is a drug addict and attracts high drama.  I like a minimal, low effort life & spend a lot of time at home doing very little.  Hoping you will take charge of this as I like to do very little and really hope you bring some pot.”

The Spurned

“Life’s way to short for playing games! It doesn’t matter to me if you’re the most beautiful woman on here, if you’re ugly on the inside I’ll keep on my way!  I work hard and live a very happy life!  I’m too old for lies, fake people and dishonesty!  Laughter, friendship, optimism build foundations.”

(All typos & grammatical errors kept in place.)


“I just met a woman who decided she wasn’t attracted to me so she moved on.”

The Insecure

“I wish there was a better option to meeting someone, but here I am.  Does what I say even matter?  Cause, I’m sure you’ve already made a decision.  Look forward to talking with you if you decided right.”


” I am insecure & hoping guilt will make you talk to me…kind of like a homeless man sitting in front of Starbucks hoping you will give me change.”

The Embarrassed

“My friend bullied me into doing this and I’m not happy about it!”


“I actually do want to do this but am too embarrassed to just accept I am online dating even though it’s been pretty acceptable for awhile.  I am just behind the times.  But it’s working out for my friend so I am giving it a shot.  I just want you to think I have no problem meeting girls in real life, even though I am not meeting girls in real life anymore.”


The Uneducated

“Educated fun outgoing, . enjoy the outdoors…if your a Communist or socialist theorist immediately swipe left”


“I’m educated but less educated than you most likely – see all my typos and fancy words that sub for liberal which I just picked up from Breitbart.”

The Dad

“Huge heart.  Passionate.  Love kissing.  Love camping, sports, friends and most of all I love my number 1 girl! Sorry ladies, you will never be first place over this girl…my Daughter!  But if you’re lucky, you’ll be right up there with her!”


“An old high school girlfriend once told me I am a great kisser.  I’m from New Hampshire and only listen to country music.  I feel the need to make sure you know my child is my first priority as though any woman would expect differently.  I picture myself on stage surrounded by women cheering for me and trying to date me – so many women, I just can’t keep up with all of you ladies.”


The Enigma

“I don’t have dead animal pictures, fish pictures or pictures of me with a tiger.”


“Yet, I am wearing camouflage pants in my profile.  I am full of surprises.”

The Exaggerator

“Out doors guy fun time hung like a horse never serious spontaneous horse hung hiking fishing hunting.”


“First, I am from New Hampshire.  Beyond that, I have nothing to offer you but my big dick and am hoping you aren’t looking for someone with more sexual experience beyond doing the jackhammer.”