The answer is “no, I do not like motorcycles.”

I had been going back and forth with a guy about setting up a time to meet but we just haven’t been able to coordinate yet.  I met him on one dating site which doesn’t give too much profile space so you get the basics…job, kids, tough mudders, camping, hiking, vegetarian, etc.  He was living in the town where I grew up so we had some things in common.

Last week, he popped up on another site I am on.  That site asks very detailed questions about dating, lifestyle, ethics, sex, religion.  It’s never going to be perfect but at least you can rule out the big stuff which can cause alarm down the road….likes to draw blood, likes being gagged, wants to get plugged, enjoys rape fantasies, hates gay people, tells racist jokes…you know, the stuff you don’t want to find out about 6 months in after he has eaten dinner with your parents and you really like him.  It’s just easier to know up front and swipe left.

Mr. Natick likes golden showers, wants to gag me (or any said sleeping partner), wants a butt plug and I just can’t recall the rest.  He had me at golden showers ….swiping left.  All I could picture was that episode of Sex and The City with Carrie’s politician boyfriend….the guy who played Roger Sterling on Mad Men…trying to convince her to pee on him.  Perfect boyfriend until that.

Got a little fun break over the weeekend.  Stepped out and had a couple beers while waiting for takeout.  Got hit on by a 20 something, had fun dancing a little with his friends and it was nice to just meet some local people I may see again.  I also met an artist from the Congo in Africa.  For some reason he is living in Harwich which seems hardly exotic.  But he spoke French and broken English.  I speak English and minimal French.  I did manage to get across several times that there were 2 dogs at home….”deux chiens a la maison.”  We had a lovely but very simple conversation.  He showed me some of his work and it’s very beautiful and chaotic.  He wanted to buy me a beer but I had 2 dogs at the house and had to drive….picture me pretending to steer a car as that is how I conveyed it.  I mimed because I lost my French for that one.

Throughout this, I was going back and forth with a new prospect who found me online.  He lives in Chatham on the weekends.  Great conversation throughout the day.  Plenty in common. He is well spoken, loves the beach and dogs.  And he is a bigger guy who isn’t going to make me body audition to see if I am good enough to date in front of friends.  Yes, boys.  You do it all the time.  Just sit on a beach.  How many fat girls do you see with skinny guys vs. how many fat guys have skinny girls?  Tally it up next time.  You cause eating disorders with that behavior.  Anyway, it would be a relief to just be beautiful the way I am.

He was thinking about walking down to the bar but his dog had been sick that day so he was sticking close to home.  As a dog owner who had to have her dog’s stomach pumped for eating a holly berry, I believe this.  Plus, he didn’t know I was down the street when he told me about the dog.  But I said another time because the dog can’t be left alone.   Next morning he checked in to see about my plans for the day in case we could meet up.  I was already on the beach and not leaving it early for a 3rd boy.

Kept a great conversation going into today.  He seems very cool.  Great job, travels a ton and does weekends at the Cape.  We grew up in side by side towns.  This guy is in my orbit.  Definitely looking forward to meeting up at the Cape this weekend.

He mentioned I was so open about myself on the website.   Basically, he knows I am not going to pee on him, that I think prostitution should be legal and regulated, I don’t tolerate racist jokes, hate wasting time, think sex issues end a lot of marriages-so it’s a front and center issue for me from the beginning, think morals are relative rather than universal and that nuclear war would not be exciting.  Oh and that I think people should smell good.

Since I was so open about myself, he wanted to tell me a little about himself.  The email started by telling me not to open it on a work computer.  Great, another dick pic.  I am sorry to say this but guys, has anyone had the courage to tell you that dicks are ugly?  They do decent work and we love them, but they are ugly.  In fact, the naked male form doesn’t hold the beauty the naked female form does and no, I am not a lesbian.  Every time I say women’s bodies are beautiful I get asked that redneck, ignorant question.

I knew I didn’t want to click on the attachment but I also wanted to be respectful because there was something he wanted to share with me.  I braced myself for a dick pic, women’s under garments, orgy picks.  Nope.  It was a description of a gadget that can be fitted under the seat of a motorcycle where your woman sits and it vibrates so she can orgasm while riding behind him. How about starting with “do you like motorcycles?”  Even better, how about starting with ordering me a drink and then asking if I like motorcycles? Maybe we get to the vibrator part of the conversation, maybe we don’t.

I am not a vanilla girl.  I don’t want to be peed on but I respect that others do.  We all have our things.  I happen to have a keen interest in voyeurism which may make me a freak by other’s standards.  I am ok with that.   There isn’t much in the way of sex I won’t talk about and I haven’t encountered anything that has offended me….yet.   But this?  This made me very uncomfortable.  First of all, it’s fucking weird.  I’m sorry.  But it is.  It’s also fucking weird to use that as a pick up for a girl in a conversation where we had only minutes before been talking about barbecue ribs.  At first I thought he was showing me a link to a business he runs and I thought it was an odd business to own but if it has an audience and earns him profit, Why not?  But no, he corrected me to tell me he is a consumer and not a distributor.

Ewwwww!!!!   I can’t even!  Done.

About a month ago it was a timid guy with a cat and a bunny who wouldn’t stalk out a seat at the bar so we could move in and grab it which I do all the time.  Now, it’s a dude who wants to drive me around Chatham on a vibrating motorcycle while families pour in and out of Candy Manor for fudge.  I don’t even go on mopeds.  I just got back on a bike last summer after 3 decades of being off them.  And my dad wants a motorcycle. How does that dinner conversation go when the boyfriend mentions the bike and dad wants to see it.   Ewwwww!!!!

I would very much like to find someone in the middle of timid bunny owner and dirty motorcycle.  Is there anyone in the middle who doesn’t want to be peed on?