I haven’t had much to say while on vacation.  I was expecting a meditative beach experience like last summer but the weather hasn’t totally cooperated.  My thoughts are choppy and not fully formed.

I feel ill at ease.  This is John’s time of year and where I was when he died so I feel at peace about him sometimes and also unrest and anger/grief at the same time.  His loss simmers just a little hotter right now.

I have read 2 books from very strong female bloggers.  What they talk about resonates on so many levels but the weight thing is bothering me most.  First, they are dead on in their societal breakdown of fat shaming.  Second, I have started feeling insecure about my body again….even though it has been doing a lot of working out on this vacation.  It’s strong.  It’s just not pretty enough.  So I have an agitation in my head I am working on.

The civil unrest in our country right now is so wrong, dark and evil.  But I don’t know how I feel about tit for tat and outing people at their jobs, no matter how awful they are outside work.  I have very strong feelings against that in general as we are not beholden and blood bound to turn ourselves completely over to the work day. Yet, I get images in my head of news reels showing African Americans being fire hosed, attacked by dogs, beaten by police, hung from trees so Is a Nazi losing his job so bad?  I just don’t know how we respond.

I saw a map online today of hate groups by state and was shocked to see how many are in Massachusetts.  I want to say they are in Western MA or closer to the NH border or that NH has more than MA but I can’t because none of that would true.  They are suburban and urban – places I wouldn’t expect because these are more affluent and educated communities.  It’s my community.  Am I working with these people?  Am I trying to date them?

Lots on my mind as you can see.