Birthdays are tough.  I know the other day I said I was happy.  That’s still true.  I just pause and get sad on my birthdays.  That’s probably why I disappear for the day.  It’s easier than waiting on plans that can’t happen and disappointment which is the norm,

As advanced as I am when it comes to self awareness and progression, I can’t separate myself from the little ankle shackle of birthday expectations.  Like by every birthday I expect to not be alone and each year passes without that changing.

I am super grateful to the attention from my family and the fact we make a big deal of celebrating our birthdays as a family.  Not everyone has that tradition and it’s one I don’t take for granted.

It’s just I still want to roll over in bed to more than Fergus on my birthday.  I want it to be someone that I get to spend my day with doing cool stuff or doing nothing more than chilling on the beach and grabbing drinks at the end of the day.  Each year that goes by without this gets a little sadder every time.  

Every year I feel like there is just a little more wrong with me than the year before.  And the years between now and harder weight loss, wrinkles and parched looking skin just don’t seem too far off.  A window closing, a chill trapped in the air.

I don’t regret my life.  Most days, the way I see it is I have a whole lot of life ahead of me where married with kids might not feel quite the same….that can feel more like missed opportunities and winding down to some.  So I get that I am lucky.  But I still feel sad and like my opportunities for love are winding down.  I love my life and all the cool shit I do.  I just would prefer to share it with someone and not always be making the best of things.

So I am sitting here in my lazy pants, my Billy Idol tshirt, wet hair I have no reason to style, a beer and a cake made for one watching another year pass by where I have met at least 20 goals and still lament the one I have not.  Sitting here with only a few hours of “my day” left and nothing spectacular to it.  I only ever feel like this on my birthday, Xmas and New Years.  So that’s not bad in a 365 day year.  But it’s more than enough since it kind of feels like pointing an accident out to a dog.