Checking in again on what it’s like in this body when you have anxiety issues.  I am not holding back despite being knee deep in the shit of it.  This is not depression or mania talking right now.  Those are not an issue right now. 

 But this will sound like mania and you will maybe think I am drunk when I am not.  I can hear the mania as it hits the page but I can’t do anything about it.  I am a perfectly sane, yet eccentric, person who is jailed by my anxiety while all the while able to see it, recognize it’s atrocity but can’t stop it, nonetheless.

Yesterday I was 10 minutes late getting to my desk at work because my stomach was upset.  I was trying to breath through it in the car in the parking lot but it didn’t work.  So I had to stop in the rest room on the way in.  That happens a few times a week….for the past several years.

At least it wasn’t because I dozed off which has happened a couple times recently because I am so tired from unreliable sleeping issues.  My sleep issues are four years old.  Fighting the drift off while driving to work is new.

Tomorrow I am going to get up even earlier to now build that “emergency” time into my schedule.

Falling asleep tonight will be a challenge because my heart is racing.  That happened the past 3 nights too.  Sometimes I know why and sometimes I don’t.

I have a new problem of deep, painful acne welts that just started after vacation.  The acne complaints I had before that were not as bad as this.  These are embarsssing and on public display so everyone can see something is wrong with me.

Nothing at all has to be wrong for all this stuff to kick in.  But when something specific is happening, it guarantees these physical manifestations which exhaust the shit out of me.  And yet, when it’s time to sleep I can’t.

So for people who think they have me pegged, good luck with that.  There is absolutely nothing predictable or foreseeable about what you think I am thinking or who you think I am.  If my own intestines and brain can’t figure it out, you are a thousand Miles away from being accurate.  

What is steadfast and true – my integrity, my loyalty, my occasional naivety, my sense of humor, my rawness, my values, my work ethic, my family bonds and my love for my friends.  The rest is up in the air or in a toilet.  I can’t tell you when or  why.  I just manage it.