Literally one side of my face has a completely clear complexion. The right side forehead has 3 zits in a row fading away. Under the very thin skin under my my eye is one brewing but it’s so deep and the skin so delicate, I can’t pop it. Instead, It’s all puffy and looks like I have been injured. I have 2 spots on my cheek finally starting to heal and then a cluster on my chin that has been re-appearing there for 2 months. I use a combo of 5 cover ups each day to at least take the brightness out of them. Literally just one side of my face.

This morning the idea came to me that I feel a little like a snake with its head cut off. Body is still moving but the head is somewhere else. That’s exactly what is happening to me. My body is still moving but is slowing down due to a magnetic pull from below that is trying to make it collapse…kind of like what’s already happening in my brain. My brain is collapsing but I am still alive enough to notice it.

I am trapped between wanting to experience a ridiculous amount of life and hoping there’s a ton of time left to wondering what the point is and how much longer it goes on. For real, the other day I went from sitting in my car in the parking lot fantasizing about driving to Logan and getting on a plane to driving home from work wondering what I could drive my car into.

With treated depression I still have bad days but they never turn into bad next days. This time I’m in bad day 3. That’s a little scary. Is it going to break or am I going to break?

My body is doing its routines because I am trying not to give in. But what if I skip one and that leads to another and then another? I mean, I’m obsessed with showers so I can see myself doing nothing but taking a shower break and then following it by putting pajamas back on and doing nothing again. Is that weird? Is that not what depressed people do?

I have had an upset stomach for 2 days. I know a migraine is coming because I had auras in one eye today. I have chest pain. I am hungry but too lazy to do more than the minimum about it. These are all indicators.

I think I may have experienced one disappointment too many and each one links into my worst emotion which is shame or embarrassment. My kryptonite.

I fake my way through the day but when I’m done, I’ve got nothing left. My impression is that everyone wants something from me….whether it’s career stuff, results, order, money, sex, a smile I don’t have to offer, a “don’t worry, I will be fine,” an explanation, a chore getting done, a return of unwanted affection, a blessing. I can’t. I just fucking can’t anymore. I can’t even summon the drive to take out my trash right now.

I’m exhausted. I am so tired of endless giving, endless blessing, endless forgiving, endless apology for lacking attraction I never intended to have in the first place, endless fixing, endless exceeding, endless reassuring, endless smiling, endless guilt for not being able to deliver myself in the context you need to receive me.

I am broken. I am tired. I am sad. And somehow, I still feel badly about having more than others.

I’m terrified this plane isn’t going to take off in time. Am I heading into a depression? If so, I have no further medication option. I am already maxed out. What does a natural born fighter do when she can’t see options?

I can’t talk about what triggered this. I’m afraid that if someone even tries to touch me, hug me in kindness I will collapse. It almost just happened when I ran into a friend who hugged me. I tried so hard to be fine and re-direct the conversation away from me. No exaggeration. I physically feel like my legs are going to just give out anytime. I don’t know where my spitfire went. While that trait pisses a lot of you off, I need it. It’s how I know I’m alive.

I can see what I present to the world from about 8-6 every day. And I can see what’s just beneath the delicate skin of that facade like an under eye zit. It’s like being 2 people and never more unsure of who is going to win this round. I don’t want help. I don’t think I need help. But what part of my brain is working and what part is not? How long will this run?

My mother’s older sister needs her to do everything for her. She’s a mess and such a contrast to my mother. She is a trigger for me. I know I should be doing more to help but I just can’t. My biggest fear is doing that same thing to my younger sister. For real. It’s already started. She worries about me. She shouldn’t have to. No one should have to.

Last weekend I got weepy over lunch with my mother because for the first time I told her I had a completely different childhood from my siblings and that I am broken because of it. She didn’t disagree.

Anyway, I can’t talk about this anymore. I’m surprised I got that much out. I’m so tired.