Only 2 more of these crap posts to reach my goal and then we are back to sporadic outbursts.

Today was shrink day and we are trying to figure out where this recent general malaise is coming from. The one where I just want to stay home every weekend and the one where I am preparing myself for what life is going to look like after confirming bad news I have been waiting on for about 3 weeks. Anytime from today through next week I will know for sure.

So, first, we think I am easing myself into that because I know how devastating it will be but I haven’t wanted to give up totally because there still could be good news. Regardless, with my history of depression, I’m prepping.

I’m not in a full depression right now. There is something to be said for the over index of vitamin D I take in at the beach from April through October. November is when depression hits for me. That makes sense considering I was on the beach last month and now get up in the dark and come home from work in the dark. So this might just be the coming down period.

My empath is on overload right now too. This time of year making performance and financial decisions for people I really care about is very draining because I put everything I am into it and some people are always disappointed which impacts me. I know my decisions are fair but I still feel for people. And, despite saying I wouldn’t “fall in love” with my direct reports on this assignment like I did my old team, I fell and it’s much deeper than my last team.

The upside is that when I am home alone, I am happy in my own company and with Fergus. My doctor said that’s actually a sign of good mental health. I have a little fear of missing out or pressure I put on myself where I think I should be doing something other than read with the dog but I am also very content with that plan. My need to hibernate has a lot to do with what I have left on the field every week by 5 on Friday. Lately, I haven’t even had enough left to entertain my parents.

It’s been an interesting day of analysis and trying to figure out if the red flags are there or if this is a little different and I just need to get through February. We also figured out why I obsess over having my tree up early and doing every Christmas related activity I can. It’s because I am trying to force the happy and wistful while the opportunity is there. January and February are full head down and just trying to survive NYE and VDay. Truth- NYE is the most depressing day of the year for me. It’s awful. I am really dreading it.

I guess I am ok but really worried about what shape I will be in at the end of next week. I’m not in a full depression right now but it could happen quickly. So do me a favor and just keep an eye on me. Your random check-ins have historically been what jolts me into getting help because once I’m really in it, I can’t see what you see. So.. . See something, say something.