May 20th

Black sweatpants

Red waffle, long underwear type top

Short hair

Twin mattress on the floor

Drawer liners



The eaves

Walking a few miles back and forth to the hospital for my yearly gyno appt. It rained on and off

Never showering that day

Running a fever and calling ask a nurse because I was scheduled for surgery the next morning

My roommate coming halfway up the stairs to tell me my ex was in the kitchen

She forgot to mention that one time he tried to break in and they decided not to tell me so I wouldn’t be worried

My roommate took a lot of pills every night. Could never wake her up once she was out and she be out 12-14 hours solid

Cigarettes in the kitchen

Feeling unattractive and too uncomfortable to have sex.

Nine Inch Nails playing in the background…. him mouthing “I want to fuck you like an animal” while raping me

Wishing Marianne would wake up and hear

Begging him not to come out of my room until after I left with my dad. I was afraid my dad would kill him if he knew what had just happened

Months of trying to put it behind me and telling no one

Meeting 2 girls at work who started talking about how glad they were I wasn’t dating him anymore because he was a rapist. One had been attacked after me

My fault

Making a statement with police

Getting a restraining order

Pressing charges

Victim witness assistant

Had to tell my parents

“Are you sure? Do you understand what the court system will do to you? What if there are other ways of dealing with it? My brothers and I could….”

It was my fault. I was taught to do the right thing and I didn’t so someone else got hurt

8 other women

But she has a record of seeing psychologists which means she’s crazy and can’t be credible

” we used a condom which means it was consensual. I threw it in the trash next to the bed”

We did not use a condom. We never did.

There was no trash beside the bed

She’s a writer. A creative writer. She took creative writing classes at UNH so don’t you know how to make up stories Ms. Dolan? You are trained to do so. You

Holes in the crotch of my sweatpants from being ripped at

Mr. And Mrs. Dolan you and I both know your daughter has mental problems and seeks attention. Can’t you get her to stop doing this to my son? I never even met his mother. Depression is a mood disorder, not a story spinner.

I am calling to warn you they let him out of prison on appeal. He is out now. Is there someplace safe you can go?

Westport with Sally and her mom for several days.

Private investigator following me ahead of the next trial. She was seen smoking butts on her balcony, maybe drinking beer too.

Will anyone ever want to date me someday? Can I be loved after this?

My father watched both trials.

My friends tried to convince him I was strong and someone he should be proud of, maybe ease up a bit on all the criticism

The evil smile. That song and cd I threw away. That first beat when it starts on the radio and the moment of terror compelling me to change it right away

Navy blue suit

Brown blazer with floral skirt

Beige suit

Grey suit

What did jail do to him? Did I really want that to happen to him or couldn’t he just stop raping people and not have to go to jail. I wasn’t looking to punish or hurt him. I just wanted him to stop hurting women


Big and little Jess

Marianne’s turn against me and lying in court because she still had to work with him and was mad at me for moving out.

Sven Weiberg

Chicken McNuggets

Rusty Hammer

Bethann and Rich


Lots of cigarettes

She’s just lying because her parents don’t pay attention to her

Standing in a windy parking lot waiting for the 2nd judgment because I couldn’t look at him.

23 or 24 years ago

Seeing him on dating websites now despite having a live in girlfriend after being divorced from the wife he had at the 2nd trial. Knowing gd is out there still trying to lure them in.

At least I tried

And yes, I remember all of that a quarter of a century later

So cut me some slack today. All of that had come up today very close to the surface. Criticism of my approach is not supportive as I relive this … alone. No different from when it happened.