May 20th
Black sweatpants
Red waffle, long underwear type top
Short hair
Twin mattress on the floor
Drawer liners
Potpourri
Stereo
The eaves
Walking a few miles back and forth to the hospital for my yearly gyno appt. It rained on and off
Never showering that day
Running a fever and calling ask a nurse because I was scheduled for surgery the next morning
My roommate coming halfway up the stairs to tell me my ex was in the kitchen
She forgot to mention that one time he tried to break in and they decided not to tell me so I wouldn’t be worried
My roommate took a lot of pills every night. Could never wake her up once she was out and she be out 12-14 hours solid
Cigarettes in the kitchen
Feeling unattractive and too uncomfortable to have sex.
Nine Inch Nails playing in the background…. him mouthing “I want to fuck you like an animal” while raping me
Wishing Marianne would wake up and hear
Begging him not to come out of my room until after I left with my dad. I was afraid my dad would kill him if he knew what had just happened
Months of trying to put it behind me and telling no one
Meeting 2 girls at work who started talking about how glad they were I wasn’t dating him anymore because he was a rapist. One had been attacked after me
My fault
Making a statement with police
Getting a restraining order
Pressing charges
Victim witness assistant
Had to tell my parents
“Are you sure? Do you understand what the court system will do to you? What if there are other ways of dealing with it? My brothers and I could….”
It was my fault. I was taught to do the right thing and I didn’t so someone else got hurt
8 other women
But she has a record of seeing psychologists which means she’s crazy and can’t be credible
” we used a condom which means it was consensual. I threw it in the trash next to the bed”
We did not use a condom. We never did.
There was no trash beside the bed
She’s a writer. A creative writer. She took creative writing classes at UNH so don’t you know how to make up stories Ms. Dolan? You are trained to do so. You
Holes in the crotch of my sweatpants from being ripped at
Mr. And Mrs. Dolan you and I both know your daughter has mental problems and seeks attention. Can’t you get her to stop doing this to my son? I never even met his mother. Depression is a mood disorder, not a story spinner.
I am calling to warn you they let him out of prison on appeal. He is out now. Is there someplace safe you can go?
Westport with Sally and her mom for several days.
Private investigator following me ahead of the next trial. She was seen smoking butts on her balcony, maybe drinking beer too.
Will anyone ever want to date me someday? Can I be loved after this?
My father watched both trials.
My friends tried to convince him I was strong and someone he should be proud of, maybe ease up a bit on all the criticism
The evil smile. That song and cd I threw away. That first beat when it starts on the radio and the moment of terror compelling me to change it right away
Navy blue suit
Brown blazer with floral skirt
Beige suit
Grey suit
What did jail do to him? Did I really want that to happen to him or couldn’t he just stop raping people and not have to go to jail. I wasn’t looking to punish or hurt him. I just wanted him to stop hurting women
Becky
Big and little Jess
Marianne’s turn against me and lying in court because she still had to work with him and was mad at me for moving out.
Sven Weiberg
Chicken McNuggets
Rusty Hammer
Bethann and Rich
Nicole
Lots of cigarettes
She’s just lying because her parents don’t pay attention to her
Standing in a windy parking lot waiting for the 2nd judgment because I couldn’t look at him.
23 or 24 years ago
Seeing him on dating websites now despite having a live in girlfriend after being divorced from the wife he had at the 2nd trial. Knowing gd is out there still trying to lure them in.
At least I tried
And yes, I remember all of that a quarter of a century later
So cut me some slack today. All of that had come up today very close to the surface. Criticism of my approach is not supportive as I relive this … alone. No different from when it happened.