I haven’t been able to write for a couple weeks. Even now, what I write will be intentionally vague. I have probably experienced enough in the past 2 weeks to pen a small book but I can’t because it must remain confidential. It’s also a topic I stay away from intentionally because I have actually experienced workplace bullying in the past from people who stumbled onto an old, now deleted blog, and used to spread rumors that I was writing about work. Not true. Never wrote about work at all. But I think I have found people who suffer guilty conscience about something can find themselves in every reference no matter what you do.

The cool part of my undercover two weeks is that I got to exercise a unique skill set I have where I see patterns in places other people don’t. Most people think it’s just circus sorcery and try to ignore my theories. But it’s pretty legit. Let’s put it this way. I had a hypothesis that we actually gathered data on and found I was 99% accurate. That’s freaky stuff, especially now that I know new ways to quantify and validate my gut hunches. So I am excited to have been tested in a very public arena and be able to deliver. As a result, important people have taken notice of me in ways I have not been noticed before. In fact, I think it’s these very skills that have kept me isolated over the years because some people do bad things and don’t want to be found out. I’m the girl who always sees the bad things and we are in an environment now where they don’t want any more bad things. I am taking on a slightly different job role tomorrow which is cool and wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been working on this confidential project. So yeah, I am pretty happy about that.

Thing is, I have also been accused of enjoying hurting people with the data I reported with 3 other people. The data has been criticized as though I am the only one who pulled it. The decisions being made with the data are not mine but I am being blamed for them. Had I that much power and influence, I think I would have been in a different job 5 years ago. Silly, silly. The excitement I show for being able to provide value is being mistaken for excitement in the face of others’ pain. Anyone who knows me at all knows I don’t roll that way. I still have guilt about putting a rapist in jail knowing full well he belonged there. I don’t gloriously bathe in the travails of others. I’m an empath, idiots. Look that up.

Doing the right thing is the easiest choice in the world…so easy, in fact, I have a really hard time understanding why so few can make the choice. Execution of the right thing is hard. I will give you that. It does take a really strong person to see it through. But if you make the choice, you can probably find people on the right side of issues who will collaborate and help you through it. You just have to trust. You have to have faith in the “right.”

With the situation I was dealing with, all people were on board, except for two. But it was just as hard for everyone else which these two didn’t see. They had a really hard time believing there should and would be consequences for bad behavior. Know why? Because they behave pretty badly themselves. I think it subconsciously registered that if anyone knew the things they had done, they might lose their jobs. So instead of being on the side of hundreds of people doing the right thing, they vehemently defended one guilty person. It was hard to watch but understandable.

Yet, they lashed out at me. Spread rumors, said mean things and accused me of enjoying myself. Let’s see….I have barely slept in 2 weeks. There were 2 days I couldn’t turn my head to the left. When I didn’t have terrible headaches I have had stomach pains which prevented me from standing up straight. No one pointed that out despite having witnessed my crooked walk. Nightmares were prevalent. New zits popped up. I had trouble finishing meals. And for the past 2 days, with the exception of walking on the treadmill, going food shopping and having dinner with my family, I have slept. I slept late. I slept on the couch. I fell asleep sitting up in the rocking chair. I fell asleep in my parked car. I slept through my 4 year old nephew being up at 7 the past 2 days, despite being a normally light sleeper.

I have received what seems like an apology but it really isn’t. It’s some kind of excuse for bad behavior trying to explain it away and saying I am guilty of similar behavior in the past. I actually am not. For real. It’s trying to be explained as venting. Venting I most certainly have done. This behavior was far from venting. And even in the explanation of it, there is no actual realization we see these behaviors very differently. She sees them as normal, day to day. I see them as unforgivable and deeply concerning. Blaming, bullying, spiting a peer to make one’s punishment more palatable, making another peer “pick a side,” accusing someone whose strongest value is integrity of enjoying hurting people because it somehow is bringing me attention she thinks I want….I am just too grown up for this. I never thought I would say I am too grown up for anything knowing full well what a late bloomer I am. But when it comes to doing the right thing, I guess you could say I have bloomed and spread a garden.

This isn’t something you wash away with a few drinks or an empty apology designed to protect oneself from accountability. This doesn’t go away for me. I just get to walk away from the nucleus of it and get to work more outside the reactor now. But I’m still within radius during a meltdown. Everyone is but these two think only of themselves. Dangerous people to have working near uranium. They will never change. It’s evident from the text messages on my phone. But I won’t back down on this. It’s just too serious.