An overhead shot of a waffle, bowls of fruit oatmeal and a cup of coffee


6 days ago I started taking a new prescription to experiment with seeing if we can treat the addictive part of my brain in an effort to better control some of my food “binges.” What sort of binges can a girl with a gastric bypass stomach have? Well, instead of sitting down and eating large amounts of food uncontrollably in one sitting…..a box of macaroni and cheese, a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s, half a box of pasta drowned in butter…I may still eat those sorts of things but spread it out over longer hours or even days. The last “binge” I had was eating Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies from October until a couple weeks before Christmas. Eat until I am full and then go back later for more when I am not full.

Sometimes I eat too fast which makes me need to puke. That’s a surgical reaction and not a binge and purge response. It tends to happen with pasta, chicken, most fish and sometimes steak. When it happens, I have to stand over a toilet as though I am going to puke and I spit up any saliva for a few minutes in preparation for vomit but the vomit never happens. For some reason, hanging over a toilet and spitting makes the nausea go away.

This medication has side effects and it requires routine blood testing to check liver function. That’s scary. Some side effects can be headaches, nausea and abdominal cramping. I have head headaches every day since last Tuesday and abdominal cramping on and off. On my way to the gym tonight the cramping got so bad I ended up coming straight home and skipping the gym. I then became ashamed of missing the gym so I jumped on the treadmill at home despite not being able to stand up straight. I have a litany of blood tests I need to get done but am afraid to do them in case they make me late for work. My priorities don’t always make sense.

I don’t know if this drug is doing what it’s supposed to. I certainly have had far fewer sweets in the past week. But that could be the whole New Year’s thing where I am focused on eating my healthy meals and snacks consistently. Am I riding the bike by myself or is someone holding me up? I think about looking for chocolate but I don’t do it. So maybe it’s taken a little bit of the edge off that. Normally, I would start hunting for snacks and not stop until I satisfied the craving. I wanted Chinese food this weekend- more likely because I didn’t have it NYE and always do so I think I was overly focused on it. Plus, it seemed like an economical choice because one 11$ sampler would cover my whole weekend of dinners. I barely ate any of it and threw out a fair amount. Is that the drug working or a mental placebo thingy where I am talking myself out of bad decisions because I am aware I am taking medication to the same effect?

I do feel calmer and less agitated about things which can annoy me. I only had one beer this weekend and didn’t finish it. I went to Market Basket yesterday and took my time. The place was packed but I took my time thinking about what I really wanted and planning a meal as I went. I did not leave in a rage which I always do after just 20 minutes. Although, I did still beep at cars in the parking lot. Even Ghandi would have found himself doing that had one of their lots been presented to him during his life. I have also been picking up after myself more quickly. Things that normally don’t bother me sitting on the coffee table or dining room table are getting put away. Books are being re-arranged. A reading nook has been created. While meal prepping last night, I was playing music and dancing in my kitchen making high protein banana pancakes.

Are these responses drug related? Or just me being me after being well rested from vacation? Or, am I cooperating with what I think my brain should be doing? I don’t know yet but it’s important to capture these observations, I think.

Tomorrow I increase my dosage. Not sure what side effects that will entail or if the stomach pain will come on stronger. I worry about my liver. I know…..with all the drinking I have done and sometimes still do, that holds a bit of irony. You can laugh.

I need to lose weight. I just do. I have said this before – I can’t be someone who accepts my body the way it is. I have surmounted a million mountains in my life, have had phenomenal enlightenment and am embracing feminism but I can’t give in on body acceptance. It’s a forever flaw I will always have. A societal and male suggestion I give into by believing my body is subpar and socially unacceptable. For it means my problems are visible and comparisons can be made. Don’t get me wrong, Health is my number one driver. Fat people in my family don’t do real well so I have reversed many impending consequences of that. This is mainly a superficial thing I can justify as preventative so I don’t get any fatter.

Eating disorders, body dysmorphia never goes away no matter what progress you make. At least I don’t think there are pills that do that yet. But I am doing my best. Headache and all….