Every year I inch towards New Years with an icy dread. I recount the past year and count all the goals unmet, the jobs I didn’t get, the boyfriend I never locked down. I sometimes think that’s how other people see me….another year she experienced another 10 or 12 disappointments. Pathetic.

I hate resolutions, not because I can’t keep them but because no one else does. I actually do accomplish all my goals which don’t require relying on someone else. The lack of resolve around me becomes cliche and “I told you so.”

Coming into this year I was in a horrible depressive episode with a looming doctor appointment to discuss treatment options. I was so mad that my medication stopped working and no amount of exercise was helping. I hated the little hijacker in my brain. Ruiner of everything.

Thankfully, 2 friends noticed the little ninja taking over and pointed it out. Knowing there were at least 2 people who understood me well enough to know my Trump rants, while on point and valid, might be a sign of something deeper, was what I needed to recognize there was a problem I needed to address.

In January, we upped the meds all the way. I didn’t notice an immediate difference. It wasn’t until I experienced a major disappointment that I realized how great I was doing because I was able to just move through it. I turned that into spa time and desert time out in Vegas by myself. Joshua Tree, Grand Canyon ….altering.

I dated plenty this year. Nothing panned out but it’s ok because it’s been fun and unpredictable. I have learned much more about what I want and what I don’t want. I actually learned to like not being married because I look so much happier out in the world than so many of the married people I sit across from in the bar. Their faces can’t hide how badly they want to be somewhere else. I never look like that.

I have been cursing my brain my whole life because it fails to run correctly. It’s subjected me to depression, weight problems and all sorts of addictive behavior. It got me made fun of and always categorized a pessimist.

Thing is, even with the crappy parts, this is a phenomenal brain. It’s really smart and even better, hungrily curious. I remember a book my friend read over 20 years ago. I love trivia. As broken as this thing can be, it’s really cool. It does things other people’s brains don’t. Sure, they have unblocked serotonin but can they win bar trivia? Nope. Not without me.

I love my brain. She made me travel this year. She made me start writing again simply because she couldn’t hold in so many observations. She has dark crevices and complexities….road blocks with detours. She stumps others. She is full of what ifs and worst case scenarios. Some call that pessimism but she knows it as expert navigation because when the ride gets bumpy, she expected it and just rides it out when everyone else would give up. She always gets to the canyon.

I love the way she connects patterns no one else sees. I love how she sees straight into people so sharply they fear her truth.

I fell in love this year with the way this brain works, even though it takes a few extra wagons to move the load where it needs to be. I don’t care. I love her. She is remarkable and unique. She is the mother load.

I am approaching the New Year feeling excited about where this brain will take me and what she will let me experience. I am blessed. I am never alone. I am never wishing I were somewhere else, with someone else or being someone else. I got this exquisite brain and I love it.