I keep a list of writing ideas in Evernote so that I don’t lose them. They often pop into my head at inopportune times. While on Christmas vacation, the plan was to check my list and write every day. With the excitement of the holiday and family time, I have not sat down to write until today. Plenty of topics on my list but one item I found in my Evernote inventory was this song lyric I attributed to no one. I must have been driving and threw in a speaking note.

” I can’t change the day I found you.”

I can’t recall the song and actually think I botched the lyrics but I stick with the line above and it was the list item I stopped at today. I am haunted. I am haunted in my dreams quite frequently. Same person, same theme. We love each other and can’t be together but always end up together in these dreams. In dreams, we make different choices. We don’t undo any of the choices we have made but we make different ones going forward than what would be expected of either of us. It’s a lot of subconscious “what if” on my part.

In this latest dream, I was at a neighborhood party thrown by a guy we both knew since childhood days. There was someone at the party I had given the finger to earlier in the day because of his bad driving – not knowing he would be at this party later. MY chooser was there and chose to be with me. He was proud to be with me. He was ok with figuring out all the messy stuff later. The guy I had given the finger to earlier said something about me being fat and my chooser stuck up for me…in fact astounded because he thought I was at my most beautiful and couldn’t believe any guy there who wouldn’t have wanted to be with me. It’s a dream…I don’t control the narrative entirely.

I was then forced to watch as the bad driver guy beat up my chooser with a shovel and he had to be taken to the hospital. I had trouble finding the hospital. I had just got him back and I now had to worry he might die. I finally got to the hospital and found him. He whispered he loved me and was fighting to get back to me. There were snakes all over the room so I couldn’t actually get to his bed but we made some kind of hand gestures from afar. Then I woke up.

This was a weird dream but had stayed with me in detail because it was so incredibly real. All the dreams on this topic are incredibly real. They sometimes feel like we are communicating in another plane of life. I know I can be a little “pie in the sky” with some of my beliefs. I believe in astrology. I believe in acupuncture. I believe in chiropractors. I believe the dead come to visit in ways only we, as individuals can recognize. I believe in the healing power of the sea…the salt and it’s ability to change how a body functions. I believe in craniosacral therapy – it has actually fixed a serious back problem. I believe deja vu might be something. I believe some people can have psychic tendencies. I know dreams are the brain’s way of working things out we can’t seem to process when conscious. I have heard that when you are dreaming about someone, it’s because he/she is thinking of you. I know I probably shouldn’t believe in that but I am not sure I shouldn’t either.

Years ago when I was in Paris, I had one of these dreams where he came to me to tell me how much he loved me. He wanted me to know I wasn’t a second choice, that she didn’t mean more to him than me….just that she was there and at a more “right” time for his life than I had been. He knew I needed to wander, to have art, to have uncertainty in my life. He just didn’t know if he could be built for that the way I was. He grew up with a simple life and he knew he was supposed to continue it. Get married, live local to family, have kids and a job that paid bills. That’s what life was supposed to look like and that’s the life she was offering. I knew that was supposed to be my life too but there was a “pull” towards something very different that I struggled to ignore. At the Paris juncture, I probably still could have gone the married route. I spent that whole day just walking the streets trying to figure out who I was going to be and how I would finally let go of him.

I never let go of him but I did let go of us….just enough to be everything he said in that dream. A lot has happened in the 10 years since that dream. In fact, the art only just started coming back in the past year. I love the life I have built. He loves the life he has built. I bet we both love a little of each other’s lives a bit more than we should sometimes.