Picture by Ryan McGuire

So I have to admit that my confidence is a little bit shaken as of late.  This online dating thing has amped up a lot recently which means I am dealing with more successive frustrations than usual.  First of all, I have had a few great conversations going and he (multiple) suggests we meet up.  I agree and try to figure out when and then it just doesn’t happen.  I don’t know why but it’s passive aggressive enough that I believe I am on a back burner where maybe they plan to re-visit if something more promising doesn’t come along.

Confident me will tell you I am not a backburner girl.  I am not a rebound girl.  I am not a second choice girl.  I am not a string along girl.  And yet, history will tell you that’s all I have ever been.  Who am I kidding?

6 to 7 years ago when I went on my healthy lifestyle journey, I lost a lot of weight fast.  Whenever I went out, I got hit on frequently.  It has become something I expect because even though I know my body isn’t perfect, it’s not that bad – especially when I look around and make comparisons.  At least that’s the message I have received.

With online dating, there is a meme out there that says “A woman most worries about ending up with a serial killer, a man most worries about being seen with a fat woman.”  This is 100% accurate.  Add to that a string of experiences where I have been asked to facetime or describe my body – including being accused of lying despite my photos being taken within the past month and me being entirely honest about myself.  But until now I didn’t think I was trying to put “lipstick on a pig,” as they say.  Have I been deluding myself?  What’s the best shade for this pig?

Over the weekend, I saw some pictures my mom took of me recently and I thought I looked HUGE and disgusting in those pictures.  I am realistic and see my fat but not once in 7ish years had I had that reaction.  I can’t tell if I am that huge and have been lying to myself or maybe I am not and body dysmorphia is back.  When the last guy you were supposed to meet, at his urging, suddenly adds wording to his profile that he has a thing for thin, leggy women it’s hard to not take that personally considering my lack of leggy and thin.  Yet, it’s not like I showed pictures of someone other than me.

This isn’t a well constructed blog.  It’s some mumbo jumbo babble I am working out because I was feeling good about my health, my strength, my brains, my life and was getting hit on not very long ago in a public setting.  Or have all those “hit ons” just been “any port in the storms” which I used to know immediately when I was really fat?  Perhaps that approach hasn’t changed and even though I have lost so much weight, I am still, in the eyes of the world, a fat girl.