There is quite a bit of “polite” body shaming that goes on with online dating.  And I get it, you see pictures of someone and need to decide if that person could be attractive to you.  If so, then you talk and see if there is a reason to meet up and test that chemistry in person.  At least, that’s my approach.

What’s funny is that a number of male profiles will say they don’t want to write anything because nobody bothers to read the profile – they just swipe left or right based on photos.  I read the profiles.  I won’t contact anyone who doesn’t have something written and a pretty face is just a pretty face.  It’s important to see about spelling and grammar.  I don’t need someone to be smarter or even as smart as me but I need to know he is interesting and in my “orbit” so to speak.

Anyway, by “polite” body shaming it’s the “fishing” for something they think you are hiding in your photos.  Such as, you have uploaded only photos from 20 years ago when you were thin and you are now 100 pounds heavier.  I know some people do that but you have to meet and cover is blown at that point.  I would argue his lack of interest when meeting is fair based on dishonesty alone let alone potential lack of physical attraction.  That said, from a technology standpoint, you should be able to easily tell how current the photo is.

When you see a person who loads full body photos, there is no need to say “describe your body in detail.  Don’t leave anything out as I want to enjoy this.”  Ok, that means you want me to tell you I am not fat but you call yourself a feminist so you would never admit that’s your end game.  But it is.

I am not “fat.”  I am a human being with some fat on my body.  I used to have a lot more of it and even then,  my dating photos showed it.  I never hide anything.  I want to be loved for who I am in all honest form…flaws, cellulite, scars and all.

When I was fat, dating was getting called at midnight for a hook up because he didn’t want to be seen with you amongst his friends earlier in the night.  And there was no shortage of guys looking for me at midnight because you know what they say, the fat girls are freakier in bed because they have to be.  I got news for you, my weight has never had anything to do with my bedroom interests.  If anything, they have expanded greatly into territory no man would pass up unless he feels threatened by it.  And that’s in my current physical state.

I am not skinny.  Maybe my “height and weight aren’t proportional (a phrase I have seen in profiles.). Or I don’t want to FaceTime before meeting you (so I can physically audition) because I don’t FaceTime with anyone.  I am too busy to just sit and stare into my phone unable to do anything else.

I work with a woman who wears the same size as me but is probably 4 inches taller than me.  Her body is amazing.  I’m just shorter but we shop in the same section.  She is considered very pretty.  I am told I look like Tina Fey.  It’s the new glasses.

Here’s the thing.  The average woman is a size 14 to 16 or extra large,  I have been those sizes,  I have been in bigger sizes.  But right now and for the better part of 7 years, I have been between an 8 and 12.  I think my body has settled into 10/12 range which is fine.  That means I wear a size “medium.”  The scale is unforgiving but a lot of that weight really is muscle because I work out hard and often.  I have been known to drop pant and dress sizes when the weight has gone up on the scale.  So imagine the power in these arms and legs.

I am smaller than the average American woman.  And I’ve got brains.  And when you activate those brains the right way, I’ve got sex appeal for days.  And I like sex.  Not because I am trying to land a husband but simply for me.  So yeah, when you decide you like so much about me but I am not a perfect size 2 and you can’t pull the trigger, you gave up the best sexual experiences of your life.  You may even be choosing the girl who will stop all the extras once she gets a ring on her finger.  I am not even sure I want the ring because that means monogamy and I don’t know if I see that entirely for myself.  Yeah, you walked away from that girl….the one you have said your whole life isn’t out there.  As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, “big mistake, big !”

I actually find myself surprised I am put through these physical auditions so often because I show accurate photos.  I can’t do nudes on those sites but if you want me to tell you where the fat is, it’s in my stomach and I’ve got junk in the trunk.  I have cellulite on my thighs despite the loads of muscle beneath it.  And if I flex my arms, you will definitely know I can punch you in the face pretty hard. If I’m not flexing (which is most every person all of the time) I have a little bit of bat wing that gets in the way of that definition….I am not flexing nude in dating forums, or anywhere ever.  That’s just degrading, disrespectful, not polite, boorish and not feminist at all.

So let’s talk about you, perfect specimen of a man, as you believe yourself to be.  What’s that mole on your face?  Why haven’t you had that removed?  Oh, and the beard that looks like pubic hair in the shape of a turd….I don’t want that Brillo pad, germ carrier anywhere near my mouth or lady parts.  I don’t even think I could eat dinner looking at that.  Oh, and you, “tough mudder, avid hiker, triathalon picture taking fit vegan” I am guessing you have a lot of gas.  The especially smelly broccoli kind.  Yeah, not sharing a bed with that.  And I like to exercise but I don’t need to compete with you and get tough mudder dissentary together.

Then there’s guy with stubby hands and little fingers.  Nope, you ain’t touching my privates because I can’t stand that clumsy, clown feeling.  Sorry, Melania Trump,  I know you married into that but you get paid a lot.  I also love the separated and recently divorced who are “totally ready to start over with the right woman” but really just want to talk big for like weeks and then shrink away when you say it’s time to figure out if there is chemistry.  Poof!   He’s gone.

Receding hairlines, pattern baldness.  Yeah, you are out there too.  Not things I am necessarily looking for but if there’s chemistry, then so be it.  Sometimes you can’t explain your attractions. I once dated a guy in college who was amazingly beautiful and sexy to me.  Like an animal I could not resist him any time he came around.  Friends referred to him as the  Cro-magnon man.  I am not ashamed.  We had really, really, really fun times.

And to the man whose chest hair is popping out from his shirts in every photo, that’s definitely not on my list of must haves but I was looking past it for the potential of chemistry.  But you auditioned me, asked me to describe my body, show more photos and even then I am not good enough to execute on the one drink it takes to figure out if all your big talk, not mine, is the real deal.  I’m sorry, but when did this become about me needing to prove my worth to men?  Not to sound like an ass but I have never been on a date where the guy didn’t want to see me again.  It’s always been me that lost interest.  I’m out there trying to decide if there is someone I am interested in enough to sleep with so I think we are a bit misaligned because some hairy ape thinks I am too fat and being dishonest about it.  Sexy?  I think not.  The appeal has been lost.